AMERICAN tourists continued.

Michael Dalrymple at A1 Kilt Hire had to deliver 62 kilts to Americans for a ceilidh on a cruise ship anchored off South Queensferry. He thought he just had to drop them off but as the Americans had no idea how to put them on, he was delayed for three hours showing them what went where.

It was then he realised the moving sensation was not the rolling of the waves but the fact the ship had sailed. Michael feared he was heading to Norway but was relieved to be told they would be making a stop at Invergordon. "It was not an altogether unenjoyable stay, fighting off the advances of very rich and very drunk ladies who thought they may need a hand wearing their kilt - even though they were wearing ballgowns," he tells us.

The eyes have it

WE'VE all been there. As stand-up Susan Calman remarked yesterday: "Spent ages staring at a beautiful bird, sitting in a tree, fluttering its wings. Closer inspection revealed a crisp packet. That's life that is."

Last words

A READER in Canada tells us about a friend picking up an ordered birthday cake from a shop and pointing out that the cake said Happy Birthday Dead instead of Happy Birthday Dad. The shop was quite happy to change it but our reader is still wondering why the shop thought that anyone would want that written on a cake in the first place.

Life plan

JOHN Park in Motherwell points out: "When I was young my dad told me I could be anybody I wanted to be.

"Unfortunately, the police now call it Identity Theft."

Just perfect ...

AS the revelations about former Co-op Bank chairman Paul Flowers continue to make the headlines, reader Barry Hunter ponders: "Is it a coincidence that the Co-operative Bank's address in Manchester is 1 Balloon Street?"

Rough justice

MORE on pilots as Robbie Duncan tells us: "Many years ago after an Ireland v Scotland rugby international which Scotland won comfortably - so that dates it - we were waiting on the Aer Lingus flight at Dublin airport to take off. The pilot announced that the weather en route would be very windy with a lot of turbulence, and we were to remain seated with our seatbelts on. He then added: 'To be sure you can't have everything - you won the rugby!'"

Top shop tip

A COLLEAGUE wanders over to give us some advice. "Worried about getting caught up in crowded streets when doing your Christmas shopping? You'll be guaranteed lots of space if you remember to carry a clipboard with you and make eye contact with passers-by."

Get the joke

TALKING of Christmas, we can reassure lots of readers who are asking that the new Diary book, with a cute polar bear cub on the cover, is now in bookshops.

It includes the story of the heart patient recovering at Glasgow's Southern General who was told that when discharged he should take up an activity which got his heart beating faster at least three times a week.

"Like shoplifting?" he asked.