A READER was chatting to a retired minister who revealed he had recently conducted a marriage ceremony where he suddenly forgot the groom's name just as he got to the vows.

He concedes that he could have worded it better when he asked the young groom: "In what name do you come to be married today?"

The groom, attempting to grasp what the reverend meant, loudly replied: "In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost."

Never stumped

LOTS of bedraggled old Christmas trees are lying on the streets of Glasgow waiting to be collected. Andy Cumming tells us: "I regularly pass an embankment on the new M74 extension in Glasgow where I noticed that a few fir trees that had been planted there had disappeared in the run-up to Christmas.

"But good old Glasgow - they've now been returned over the fence - dead."

Oh, how it needles

AND on the south side of Glasgow, on Christmas tree pick-up day, a resident noticed someone had dumped a tree in his garden less than 20 yards from the collection point. He then caught a second person adding his Christmas tree to the abandoned one, and, when he asked what the chap was doing, was told: "Well, I saw one already in your garden."

Our unhappy resident asked the tree dumper if he would like to find out how the fairy on top of the tree feels, which led to the tree rapidly being removed. You can't beat the Glasgow banter.

Just role with it

A READER heard a young chap in Dumbarton explain to his pal that his dad had just left to take up a job in Saudi Arabia, leaving him as the man of the house. As he told his pal: "So I can't wait to ground my maw, and tell my sister she's no allowed a boyfriend."

Stool pidgin

WHAT'S happening in the trendy west end, a reader anxiously asks. Well Deedee Cuddihy tells us she visited a trendy new bakery and coffee shop on Great Western Road which has stools like the old ones you got in school science classes. When she mentioned this to the owner he confirmed that they were indeed salvaged from a school then confided: "If you're easily offended, don't look too closely at some of the graffiti. We tried to scrub them out but that hasn't been entirely successful."

Says Deedee: "Well, of course I looked closely and noted the traditional crude representation of a certain part of the male anatomy ..."

Fare game

THE STV news site reported yesterday that a drunk train passenger travelling between Edinburgh and Glasgow was in court yesterday for getting over amorous with the on-board drinks trolley.

A reader tells us: "Given what they charge you for a Kit Kat, I can't imagine what it would cost for sex."

It was also reported yesterday that Prime Minister David Cameron pays £90 a go for his haircuts. Says reader Norrie Johnstone: "It reminds me of the old joke, 'What's the difference between a bad haircut and a good haircut? About two weeks'."

Turkish delight

A PIECE of festive whimsy from Scottish writer Sanjeev Kohli who declares: "This is the time of year that we always ask what to do with the leftover bits of Turkey.

"I say, give them to Armenia."