• Text size      
  • Send this article to a friend
  • Print this article

Ill met by daylight

A CHAP shopping in the Silverburn shopping centre near Glasgow during the day yesterday was heard to comment: "There's that new virus going around – Unused Sick Days.

And it looks as though it's highly contagious."

Spanner in the works?

WE hear about the new apprentice at a south side of Glasgow garage who had been warned by his father to watch out for the mechanics playing practical jokes on him, such as sending him for a tin of tartan paint.

His first week was going well until the foreman shouted over to him to pass him a monkey wrench. The lad thought about this before replying: "A monkey wrench? Do you think I'm stupid? There's no such thing."

Royal flush?

THE Queen attended the meeting of the Coalition Government's Cabinet yesterday. As James Doleman puts it: "Queen shocked to find she is poorest person at Cabinet meeting."

And as a Jubilee gift, part of Antarctica has been renamed Queen Elizabeth Land. Many a cynic thought: "It sounds like a theme park which is so rubbish they had to hide it away in the Antarctic."

Jaundiced eye

OFFICE Christmas parties continued. A chap who was accompanied to his office do by his wife was telling friends: "I can now tell how attractive the women in my office are by the number of times my wife told me an individual looked like a tramp."

Pint of order

IT is also the time of amateur drinkers in the pubs, getting in the way of regular topers. A group of girls was dithering over their drinks selection in a Glasgow bar when the chap behind them told his pal: "How can they not know what they want to drink?

"I've known since I got to work this morning what I wanted to drink eight hours later."

Fuel for thought

YOU can even find Glasgow humour in the city's accident and emergency units. A reader waiting at the Southern General watched as an elderly woman was being brought in on an ambulance trolley, and her condition was being discussed by medical staff.

As a paramedic explained: "BP is 127" our reader was told by the chap sitting next to him: "Imagine them discussing petrol prices at a time like that."

Chocs away

AH, the logic of children. A Kilmaurs reader tells us about his nine-year-old grand-daughter walking in to the room with three chocolate biscuits. Her gran told her to put two of them back in the biscuit barrel.

But the child came back with: "Can't do that Gran – I've licked them all!"

Gaels of derision

FANS of Scottish football who turn to the Gaelic station BBC Alba, which has an SPL game once a week, are intrigued with the statement put up on the screen that it "Contains some strong language."

"Just how excited do the Gaelic commentators get?" asks reader Peter Drummond.

Contextual targeting label: 
Families

Commenting & Moderation

We moderate all comments on HeraldScotland on either a pre-moderated or post-moderated basis.
If you're a relatively new user then your comments will be reviewed before publication and if we know you well and trust you then your comments will be subject to moderation only if other users or the moderators believe you've broken the rules

Moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours. Please be patient if your posts are not approved instantly.

131440