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It's no joke

GLASGOW entertainer Frankie Boyle won over £50,000 in damages after the Daily Mirror accused him of being a "racist comedian".

A Newton Mearns reader who has seen his act says he was not guilty on both counts.

Recurring symptoms

CAN never have enough of the late, great Chic Murray. Our tale of how to answer doctors, reminds Charlie Andrews in Greenock: "One of Chic's routines was, 'I was sick so I went to the doctor and he said he didn't know what was wrong with me.

"'Have you had it before?' he asked.

"'Yes,' I replied.

"'Well, you've got it again,'" he said.

Warming thought

COLD callers – never the most welcome of phone calls at home. Martin Morrison in Lochinver says: "I received a cold call today asking me if I would like to answer a questionnaire on energy saving. I decided to enter into the spirit of things and hung up."

That sinking feeling

BOATING holiday company Drifters is honouring the role canals have played in British films by putting together boat hires where famous films have been made.

"Follow in the wake of the stars!" boasts Drifters. The films it lists include Young Adam, which it describes as a "romantic thriller" starring Ewan McGregor and filmed on the Forth and Clyde canal.

A boating enthusiast tells us: "As two women are drowned in the canal during the film, using it to sell holidays is akin to using Psycho to sell American motel holidays, and the Poseidon Adventure for luxury cruises."

Too clever by half

A GLASGOW teacher tells us he set his class to write a piece over the October week on how to save the world, hoping for some enthusiastic suggestions on environmental improvements.

One pupil merely wrote: "Create a document entitled The World.

"Press Save."

Urgent call

JOHN Dyer tells us about four chaps out for a business lunch who stacked their mobile phones in a tower face down in the middle of the table. The first to reach out and use his phone before the end of the meal had to pay the whole bill.

Not much of a bargain

SHOP prices continued. Neil Dunn tells us: "Up in Aberdeenshire for a break we popped in to a Co-op store where we spotted a steak pie with big notices all round advertising two for £6.

Needing only one, we were amazed at the checkout to see the scan come up as £3. They certainly know how to promote products here."

Grey area

DAFT gag of the day? A bank in Govan was robbed and a local who witnessed it was unwilling to help the police with their inquiries. When asked if he saw the robber, he tried to put the police off by saying it was carried out by an elephant.

"Indian or African?" asked a sarcastic detective.

"I don't know," said the Govanite. "He had a stocking over his head."

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