RUSSELL LEADBETTER

CLYDE 1 has been asking its listeners what sort of people they don't trust, for silly reasons.

The results make interesting reading.

Among the responses: people who don't swing their arms when they walk; people who open bags of crisps upside down; people who open bags of crisps to share with others; people with monobrows; car salesmen; women who drink pints; men with bushy beards; people whose eyes are too close together; and people who deliberately take up two train seats ("mainly men, who won't shut their legs and budge up.")

Just in case you're thinking that this isn't quite specific enough, two listeners took the opportunity to voice issues close to their heart.

People named Peter, said one.

"Tommy Sheridan," suggested another - "because he licks his lips too often."

JOKES about drummers are not unknown in the world of rock music.

In Tony Barrell's entertaining book, Born to Drum, out on April 23, Simon Kirke, who occupied the drum stool in Free and Bad Company, relates his own favourite joke.

"How do you know when the stage is level?" Kirke asks, then supplies his own punchline.

"When the drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth."

DROOL notwithstanding, lots of people find drummers sexy.

Barrell's book recounts a confession posted online by a female rock fan who had a crush on one particular drummer when she was 17.

Shortly before the drummer's band took to the stage at a concert, she sneaked into the front row, removed her shirt and wrote the drummer's name across her chest.

The band came on stage. She gazed at the drummer, who looked back and smiled.

It was just unfortunate for her that, standing 15 feet away, was her uncle, who, for obvious reasons, looked horrified.

"It was awful," the woman said. "I just wanted to fall into a hole and die."

GOOD to see that these old books are being put to a good use. Thanks to Robin Gilmour for sending this one in.

NOT everyone was impressed by that picture of David Cameron with a lamb.

Film director Jon S Baird, whose CV includes the James McAvoy-starring Filth, tweeted: "Seeing Cameron feeding a cute wee lamb doesn't make me want to vote Tory, it just makes me want seconds for my roast dinner."

Someone we know jokes that Cameron is looking at the lamb and thinking: "Mmmmm ... mint sauce ...."

READER Ailsa Jensen writes to say she's been watching a group of eider ducks on the beach at Skipness. "A collective noun springs to mind," she adds - "A quilt of eiders."

Can Diary readers think of any other clever collective nouns?

In fact, while we're on the subject, what would be the collective noun for Diary readers?

GLASGOW City Council has blocked plans to stage a cannabis celebration in George Square. Can this be described as a joint decision?

AND finally ... we like the name of a vaping shop, out in sunny Portobello. It's called Kick-Ash.