THE Glasgow banter...

the driver of an early evening bus on Maryhill Road last week announced to passengers that, because it was quiet, he would perform a guided tour for their illumination.

"They big widden things on your left," he announced. "They're trees. The green stuff on the grun is grass.

"See that fire station on your left - that's where pole-dancing started in Glesca."

Thus ended the brief but educational commentary.

Is there a cure?

BEN Verth, MC at the Beehive Comedy Club in Edinburgh, was in the supermarket the capital's Cameron Toll mall when a young local couple came in, the girl heavily pregnant.

Trailing through the meat aisle, the chap picked up a packet of Italian-style bacon, read the label, and shouted over to his consort: "Pancetta. That'd be a good girl's name. What d'ya think of Pancetta?"

Friends, indeed

AMERICAN singer/songwriter Eef Barzelay told his audience at Partick Bowling Club in Glasgow on Monday night that he had few, if any, friends, but it didn't bother him.

"Anyway, we only keep close friends so we can complain to them," he argued.

Barrel of laughs

THE news that a whisky distillery might be built on the banks of the Clyde in Glasgow reminds us of workers at a distillery in Airdrie. When the barrels were delivered down a steep ramp, the workers at the bottom would take turns at adopting a bullfighting pose and then shouting "Olé!" at the last minute as they jumped aside from the speeding barrels.

Honestly, that's the apex of entertainment in Airdrie.

A new line?

ANN Ballinger from Cumbernauld was on a tour of Barcelona where the guide, when they reached the Sagrada Familia, said the church was taking so long to complete that there was a local phrase "yes that'll happen when Gaudi's church is finished".

However as the end of construction was being forecast, they might need a replacement phrase in a few years. Knowing there were Scots in the party he added: "Oh I know, we can use 'when the Edinburgh trams run'."

Fame at last.

Peak practice

TALKING of a small world, former BBC reporter Bob Wylie was in Kathmandu, Nepal, recently, filming an aid project, when he sought help from a doctor after suffering a bit of a gippy tummy.

The Nepalese physician surprised Bob by asking if his accent meant he was from Glasgow, then followed up with the killer question: "Celtic or Rangers?"

Amazing what six years as a registrar at Glasgow's Royal Infirmary will teach you.

Mature reflection

FANS of the curmudgeonly pensioners Jack and Victor in the BBC's Still Game are delighted at rumours of the comedy series returning, even if it is only as a play, 15 years after it was last recorded.

As fan Chris McGlynn commented: "Good to hear Still Game is coming back - and the actors probably won't need as much make-up now."