heady heady

MICHAEL Brogan was in a bank branch in Kilmarnock when a wee girl in the queue with her dad was holding a balloon. Says Michael: "The inevitable happened and the balloon burst with a loud bang. The customer in front who was speaking to the cashier said as quick as a flash, 'Now gie's the money'.

I thought it was amusing but wondered what would have happened if the cashier had pressed an alarm button."

BIG SNP conference in Glasgow at the weekend. MP Pete Wishart got a bit excited and put on social media that it was "fantastic that we passed the motion enabling all women shirt lists." Pete alas does not explain whether he is in favour of women wearing them or ironing them.

A DAFT gag for the start of the week from Robin Gilmour who tells us of the two Glasgow polis on patrol who radioed to headquarters to say that a woman had shot her husband in anger after he stepped on the floor she had just mopped clean.

"Have you arrested the woman?" their sergeant asked.

"Not yet Sarge," they replied. "The floor's still wet."

NOT great weather in Glasgow yesterday. As one shopper declared while jooking from doorway to doorway: "Sunday - well that's a misnomer."

DRINKER in a Glasgow bar at the weekend said he went to see a fortune teller when he was down at Blackpool recently. "She told me that she could see me in the middle of a huge snow storm heading towards a log cabin. I had to interrupt her to tell her she'd picked up her snow globe by mistake."

HUGH Dougherty in Glasgow was surprised to see an Orange Walk in Partick on Saturday as he thought it was a bit early in the year for such events. But as he says: "And then I remembered the Orangeman's Calendar - January, February, March, March, March."

ELECTION leaflets are coming through the doors thick and fast. Ian Morrison received one from Labour's East Dunbartonshire candidate Dr Amanjit Jhund which is promising "introducing a Mansion to help save and transform our NHS." Alas he doesn't say where it would be built or what it would be used for.

A FINAL thought on the BBC's sacking of Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson. As Bruce Skivington remarked: "At least the Prime Minister can say he is just like the rest of us and has a friend who is unemployed."

IAN Power tells us: "My toddler keeps insisting I do my Spiderman impression. It's driving me up the wall.'

Pic capt:

"A Hitchcockian nightmare in East Anglia," says Foster Evans.