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Last track

A WOMAN tells us she had to attend a funeral in Glasgow, and not knowing the directions, borrowed her husband's sat nav.

She even remembered to unplug it and put it in her handbag so that it wasn't left out on display.

Unfortunately she forgot to switch it off properly, which is why startled mourners were treated to a disembodied voice from her handbag stating: "You have reached your final destination" as the coffin was brought in.

High anxiety

SAD to hear of the death of sitar player Ravi Shankar. It's a little-known fact that he was flown to the great Woodstock festival in an army helicopter, accompanied by Scottish band Incredible String Band, as the roads were blocked for miles.

The pilot banked the helicopter to give them a better view, and as the chopper had no sides, Ravi almost fell out as he held on for dear life.

Thank goodness he wasn't holding their carry-out or musical history could have been substantially altered.

Beyond help?

'TIS the season of endless shopping, and Peter Drummond receives an email from the British Red Cross which states: "Give a gift of first aid training courses this Christmas."

Says Peter: "If I were to give someone that as a present, then I suspect I would shortly thereafter be in need of first aid myself."

Pitched battle

OFFICE parties continued. A reader out with colleagues heard the office maintenance man announce: "I've been banned from all major football grounds in Scotland for a year."

As staff tried to digest this nugget he then added: "That'll teach me to forget our wedding anniversary."

Flair for humour?

AND best comeback line from an enthusiastic party-goer who had slumped to the pub carpet. "No, I'm not drunk. Floors need hugs too you know."

Who, and what?

EVEN that august newspaper the Wall Street Journal can make mistakes. A reader sends us a cutting of a correction which states: "Talking about performing in the musical The Who's Tommy, the actor and singer Michael Cerveris said: 'I couldn't sing it all when I got the job.

"Our article incorrectly quoted him as saying: 'I couldn't sing at all when I got the job.'"

Blast from the past

APOLOGIES for this, but we blame the panto season. After our picture of the portable toilet with a no-hand-grenade warning sticker, Gerry MacKenzie says that many years ago urchins in Partick were playing with an old Second World War hand grenade they had found.

A concerned passer-by grabbed it and inadvertently threw it through the window of a stairheid toilet, where there was a bang, flash and much smoke.

Says Gerry: "A wee wummin staggered from the carnage saying: 'Ah maybe shouldnae huv finished aw' yon cabbage!'"

We don't think even Lex McLean would have used that.

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