Law and disorder

Diary Editor

Wednesday 25 April 2012

THE news that Strathclyde Police wants to reduce the number of officers on Mull reminds Scott Macintosh of a cache of drugs being found on the island some years ago, and a television news crew being sent to interview the locals.

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Ken Smith

One excitable chap tripped over his words as he told the reporter the police presence sent over from the mainland consisted of "three uniformed officers and two plain men wi' clothes on".

Queue jumper

SENIOR moments continued. Bob Jarvie was disappointed that a jumper he bought stretched after its first wash and lost its lustre, so he took it back to Marks & Spencer in Argyle Street, Glasgow. Says Bob: "I dutifully stood in the returns queue and when it came my turn explained my disappointment to the sales assistant for all to hear."She listened carefully and responded, 'I understand your disappointment and am sorry for you. I recommend that you take it back to BHS as it's their product'."Warts and allWE do like our stories from Glasgow buses, but not everyone is impressed by their fellow passengers. A reader heard a woman disembarking from a bus in town and telling her pal: "Sometimes I think that going on a bus is like taking part in a Jeremy Kyle roadshow", a reference to daytime confessional TV apparently.Strings attachedTHE death of Bert Weedon, whose tutorial books taught millions to play guitar, reminds Ian Brock in Bearsden of bumping into Shadows guitarist Hank Marvin and his wife in Florence where Weedon came up in conversation. Recalls Ian: "Hank's wife's eyes went heavenward. I said to her, 'Bert did teach the world to Play the Guitar in a Day'. She replied in her Aussie drawl, 'Bedly!'" Under parPHILOSOPHICAL point raised in a Glasgow pub this week by a regular: "Why do people never admit to being just the right amount of whelmed?"Mini makeoverOUR story of unusual shop juxtapositions reminds John Diggens in Campbeltown of the Co-op funeral parlour in Clydebank being next door to a garage which had a prominent sign stating: "Body repairs".Boozed-up BritainBRYONY Kimmings, who is bringing her show 7 Day Drunk to the Arches in Glasgow this week, discusses intoxication, and as part of the show, a female audience member is invited to drink a controlled amount of alcohol to test Bryony's theories. Some get sleepy, some get very happy but at one recent show the chosen lady smacked Bryony over the head with a pinata stick then bit the artist's leg. As this was in the genteel south of England, Bryony wonders what she's letting herself in for in Glasgow.Something fishy going onDAFT gag from the playground. "I know my goldfish loves it when I take him out of his bowl."He wags his tail a lot."

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Law and disorder

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