AH, students.

They always make us smile. Edinburgh stand-up Ben Verth was in a pub where he heard a chap in a group of students declare that he had a recurring dream that he was going into an exam without having done any studying. One of the girls chimed in: "And you don't know anything? I've had that."

However the male student clarified: "No. Bizarrely I'm absolutely amazing and pass." The girl simply replied: "You're even egotistical when you're asleep."

Beyonce's Barras date

SINGER Beyonce, who had a private tour of the Louvre in Paris last month without the grubby public getting in the way, is nominated for best female singer in the MTV European Awards being held in Glasgow next week.

Speculating that she might actually come to the Glasgow awards, Joe Heenan tells us there might be the equivalent private tour in the city. "Apparently they're shutting off the Barras so she can buy sports socks and cheap fags in peace," he tells us.

True to form

OLDER folk struggling with new technology ... A reader swears to us her mother dutifully put in her email address in a form online and when the next question asked her to confirm her email address, she simply typed: "Yes, that's my e-mail address."

Toys 'r' not us

SO have you noticed the Christmas advertisements already creeping on to our television? A reader claims he heard a chap tell his pal: "I wish they'd stop showing toy adverts during Spongebob Squarepants. I'm a grown man. I'm not interested in toys."

Brand unawareness

THE fee for plastic bags in Scottish shops to cut down on waste is still a big topic of conversation. A reader asks: "If Lidl wants us to re-use its plastic bags, why do they print Lidl on them?"

Fat chance at that price

READER Donnie Pollock heard a newsreader on the Scottish news referring to "Pint of lager, one eighty." He quickly turned his attention to the news item wondering which bar was selling such an inexpensive pint, when he eventually realised it was a story about calories.

Gordon's magnetism

STILL much chatter in the press about Jim Murphy standing for the leadership of Scottish Labour.

Reader Ian Traill once told us of an East Renfrewshire hustings meeting, organised by the Chamber of Commerce, which Jim was late in attending.

Chamber member Gordon Brown volunteered to text Jim asking where he was as they needed to start.

He of course added that it was from "Gordon Brown". "It was remarkable," Ian told us, "how quickly Jim appeared after that."

It's good not to talk

A READER in Rhu passes on a plea he read from a chap on Facebook who explained: "Looking for an iPhone or Blackberry-type phone in the Alexandria area. Wife's phone broken so instead of talking to her pals it means I need to listen to her."

League of his own

QUITE a bit of chat about the League Cup draw that put a couple of Glasgow teams against each other. Trying not to get caught up in the hype, BBC Scotland football reporter Jim Spence rather cheekily told his followers on Twitter: "That's a huge game in the semi-final - and Celtic v Rangers is a decent game too."