THE new Low Moss prison opened near Bishopbriggs this week, catering for 700 prisoners.
A local swears to us that a bouncer from a Glasgow nightclub wanted more job security and applied to be a prison officer there. He failed the interview, alas, when he was asked: "There will be some tough individuals here. How would you handle it if trouble broke out?"
"No problem," he replied. "I'd just tell them if they didn't behave then they'd be straight out the door."
A READER tells us that the football-obsessed priest in his chapel on Sunday, in a village near Cumbernauld, was informing the flock that it had cost £10,000 to have the building painted, and the central heating needed a £2000 repair. Suggesting that everyone would like to help financially as much as possible, he added: "After all, you wouldn't like us to go into administration now, would you?"
MONDAY morning, and a lot of folk are on the train going into work in Glasgow. A south side reader hears a chap greet a friend getting on at Muirend and asking him what he did at the weekend.
"Nothing much," he replied. "Shopping."
"What did you buy?" asked the first chap.
"Lorna wanted curtains for the little window in the garage."
The first chap thought about this for some seconds before asking: "Was this before or after she got you a lobotomy?"
OUR story of being damned by faint praise reminds retired police officer Alan Barlow of being nervous at having to make a welcome speech at a formal dinner at the Scottish Police College. Says Alan: "Afterwards my mentor, the late Joe Beattie, famed Glasgow detective, slapped me on the back and said, 'No better than I expected'. I felt quite pleased but on reflection I realised that it only means what you want it to mean."
Paying his dues
CAMPAIGNERS are meeting MPs today to protest at proposed library closures. We like the comment of one of the protesters, Big Issue founder John Bird, who recalled: "I wanted to join the library when I was six, in 1952, but my father wouldn't let me because he had borrowed a book in 1932 which he hadn't returned. He thought they'd come after him."
Any other favourite library stories?
IT seems chaps in pubs can't stop themselves from telling bad jokes. A reader was in his local in Paisley at the weekend when a regular announced: "Did you hear that Alex fell into the upholstery machine at the Reid's factory?"
"How is he?" asked a shocked, but gullible mate.
"He's fully recovered," the first chap triumphantly answered.
DAVID Donaldson reads on the BBC website that "Police have appealed for information after budgies were stolen from an aviary in Moray." He tells us: "Can't wait till they arrest an accomplice and make him sing like a canary."
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