SO we're looking at a website discussing Glasgow, where someone has posted a worrying comment.
It says: "The first day I got into Glasgow, just caught the bus over from Edinburgh, there was a newspaper poster saying, 'Two people stabbed in Glasgow every day'."
So we love the sheer genius of someone who then replied: "One of them's probably Kenny. He's always picking stupid fights with bams."
AND still the rain falls in Scotland. A young lad observing a smart young woman in Glasgow's Buchanan Street told his pal: "Look at that - tight raincoat, skinny leggings and Ugg boots.
"She looks like an upside down golf bag."
Lost and found
JOHN Fleming at the Fringe tells us about the lengths to which some acts will go to get an audience.
Stand-up Christian Talbot at the Underbelly told him: "My daughter Kate is my secret flyering weapon. She's 12 years old and she's brilliant. I have her wandering around outside my venue looking all sad and she goes up to strangers and says, 'Have you seen my daddy?' and people tell her, 'No, no. Sorry, love.'
"And she says, 'Well, you should,' and then she whips out a flyer and gives it to them."
Mind the language
GLASGOW comedian Janey Godley is on at the Fringe, and jumped in an Edinburgh taxi the other day. "Are you a comedian?" asked the driver. When she confirmed she was, he asked if she swore in her act. "Not any more than taxi drivers," she replied.
AND spare a thought for young comic Fin Taylor, appearing at the Fringe for the first time.
As he told his audience: "My name's Fin. Which means it's very hard for me to end e-mails without sounding pretentious."
Life and death
EVERYONE is genuinely upset by the death of actor Robin Williams, who had a great affection for Scotland and also played arguably his most famous role, Mrs Doubtfire, as a Scot.
He did a routine about why Scots invented golf, which included the observation: "Each time you miss you feel like you're having a stroke.
"That's why we call it a stroke, because every time you miss you feel like you're going to die."
IT'S often boring in interviews when the celebrity is asked about their first car, and they drone on about some clapped-out old Mini or whatever.
So we pass on the far more interesting reply from ginger-haired Harry Potter star Rupert Grint, who told the latest BBC Match of the Day Magazine: "I bought an ice-cream van as my first car.
"I don't drive it much because real ice-cream men get pretty territorial, and even if I just take it to Tesco it's amazing how many people start queuing up to buy ice-creams."
Black and white
WE get a call from a political contact in London after the announcement that Edinburgh Zoo thinks Tian Tian the panda, on loan from the Chinese government, is pregnant.
"Presumably Alex Salmond," says our contact, "will refuse to believe China when they tell him Scotland won't be allowed the keep the baby panda?"
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