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Lost in translation

HAPPY New Year readers, and if you can allow us to be nostalgic, we recall when Bill Thomson in Bothwell told us about the chap in Dumfries who sent his sister in Canada a New Year telegram with the traditional Scottish greeting "Lang May Your Lum Reek".

She framed it on her wall as the chap at the Canadian end had typed it up as "Lang May Yer Bum Reek."

Timing's off

A READER in London phones yesterday to ask us: "Is it true that the three most ridiculous lies have been told by Scotsmen? They are, 'It's Scotland's oil', 'Independence will be good for Scotland' and 'I'm going to stay sober this New Year'."

However only a chap from Scotland could opine: "It's a pity they don't turn the clocks back at midnight on New Year, then we could celebrate twice."

Joining in

AS reader Andy Cumming tells us: "The pub Sweeney on the Park on the south side's Kilmarnock Road has lost three of its letters in the recent high winds.

It now reads Sweeney on the P. Aren't we all this time of year?"

Endurance test

NOT everyone was impressed by Peter Macritchie from Glasgow winning the guga seabird eating contest by devouring half of a pickled guga in three minutes and 44 seconds.

As reader John Marshall explains: "I'm not sure what he has to crow about. Wife and I ate 12 kilos of turkey over the holidays as fewer than expected turned up for Christmas dinner. You could say we are truly stuffed. Those guga boys got off lightly."

Imagine that

ANY good New Year parties last night? We recall the reader who was at one such party when a comely woman took him by the hand, told him to "come with me" and led him to the bathroom.

As his mind ran riot with all sorts of possibilities, she pointed inside and said: "Can you get this drunk out the bath? I'm bursting."

Seconds, anyone?

SOMEONE who perhaps over indulged his sweet tooth at Christmas was the colleague who emailed us: "If you enjoyed Toblerone then you're really going to love Toblertwo."

Harsh lesson

PERHAPS not totally in the party spirit was Scots comedian Frankie Boyle who told his Twitter followers: "You looked forward to the New Year last year. When will you learn?"

Code for the times

LOOKING forward to the New Year, a reader tells us there will be a new edition of the Highway Code in 2014.

It will include: "When the lights turn to green, sound your horn once to indicate to the driver in front that it is time to put their mobile phone down." Any more suggestions?

TV twist

AS we say goodbye to our Scottish TV programmes post independence, we should mention:

l Top Gear - junkies in Scotland's cities comparing the merits of their different suppliers.

l The Y Factor - couples wake after drunken seductions and ask the obvious question. (Both from Paul Cochrane in Paisley).

l Mock the Weak - Ian Duncan Smith hosts his hilarious Easterhouse-based game show in which contestants try to win a State pittance. (Dave Carson, Dumbarton).

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