WE KNOW it ill becomes a newspaper to point out weird headlines in other papers, but the new book, Whitstable Mum in Custard Shortage, mentioned here last week, does have some dazzlers.
Among the ones we’re mesmerised by are “Dog injures nose”, “Lord Mayor’s trousers fall down at children’s event”, “Town nearly had trams” and “Towel catches fire”.
Honourable mentions to “Is bridge too nice for Stoke-on-Trent?”, “Ungrateful cow snubs rescuers” and “Nuns in fight against strippers”.
But the one we admire the most, narrowly elbowing out “Witches blamed for Sussex horse plaits” and “Pensioner’s breakfast catches fire” is “Lovesick student broke into morgue with axe”. We’d relate the story but, really, all you need to know is in that headline.
SO there was Toni Bolton, assistant manager at the Bruce Hotel in Newton Stewart, enjoying herself at the Masonic Arms in Gatehouse of Fleet, when a specials board suddenly falls off the wall and knocks her on the head.
And what was the special on the board this particular night? Why, duck, of course, says Calum Troup, the hotel’s general manager.
Leader of the pack
PETER Mullan could be a shoo-in for at least some awards at the Scottish Baftas next month. He’s been nominated in the writer and director categories for his film Neds, which is up for the Feature film prize.
Diary reader Barney Macfarlane says: “I assume Peter has no competition, following a member of the Bafta committee’s interview on Radio Scotland’s Drivetime. When asked if Mullen was going to sweep the boards at the event, she replied, ‘Well, he is up against Donkeys’. Quite.”
THE Diary’s tram anecdotes have been running almost as long as the trams themselves.
Glen Elliot, from Elgin, recalls the wording on a warning sign: “Spitting on the floor strictly forbidden, penalty 40 shillings”.
To which, he noted, some bright spark added the following:
There was an old man from Darjeeling
Who sat on an orange he was peeling,
It said on the door,
Don’t spit on the floor
So he carefully spat on the ceiling!
AUSTRIAN news: Arnold Schwarzenegger has inaugurated a museum dedicated to his career, tweets comedian Jimmy Carr, who adds tartly: “I imagine it’s wooden.”
Something in the air
A DIARY item about Switzerland reminds an anonymous reader about the first time he went there on business, many years ago.
“After the flight, in the taxi to the hotel, all I could smell was chocolate. Even in the hotel reception the air was filled with this wonderful smell. I thought, ‘This is amazing, they must make chocolate all over the country.
“In my room I removed my jacket and noticed, in the mirror, a brown stain in my shirt pocket. I’d been given a foil-wrapped chocolate on the flight and decided to keep it for later.
“My illusions of a country smelling of chocolate were dashed as my treat had melted.”
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