SOME keen observers of the Scottish political system were annoyed that the full Scottish results in the European election were delayed as there was no counting of votes in the Western Isles on the Sabbath.
One chap on Stornoway, annoyed at all the criticisms of his islands, put this explanation on Twitter: "In the Western Isles we use entrails to read the election results, and as the butcher's is shut today we have to wait till tomorrow."
First past the post
SO anti-immigration Ukip did well in the election. A reader remarked in his local that the election turnout in Romania was a respectable 32.2% and added: "That's very high considering they're all supposed to be in the UK, if you listen to Ukip."
"Postal votes," replied someone further up the bar.
Cash call
GETTING the bus into Glasgow, a reader heard a young woman tell her pal: "Going out with someone just because they're good looking is so shallow. You should take other things into account - like does he have a lot of money?"
On song
JUST a thought," says a reader, "But the Celtic song 'Bring on the Hearts, the Hibs, the Rangers', is going to need a serious re-write for next season."
Incidentally, we turn to Irish bookmakers Paddy Power for the latest betting on Celtic's new manager. Owen Coyle is odds-on favourite, but a 500/1 outsider being offered by the bookies? Pope Francis.
MP on tour
TOUR guides continued. Dundee MP Jim McGovern tells us: "When I was first elected my experience of London was largely restricted to football matches, so I went on one of these open-top bus tours. When we came to the Houses of Parliament our cheery, chirpy Cockney commentator said, 'What a waste of space! All they do is spout a lot of hot air and put up our taxes'.
"When leaving I gave him a tip, and he said, 'Fanks Jock. You and the trouble-and-strife down for a visit then?' I said, 'No. I've just been elected as an MP.'
"Talk about a look of panic."
And Matt Spicer recalls: "As the tour bus passed Lubyanka prison, our Moscow guide informed us that it used to have the best view in all Russia. 'From the basement cells, you could see all the way to Siberia'.
She also had a nice line on the Soviet regime: 'We pretended to work and they pretended to pay us'."
Hair today
A READER watched as a young man on Byres Road gingerly touched his hair then told his pal: "Is there a more tense moment than the one after a drop falls on your head, and before you've checked it's water?"
Flying high
AMERICAN band The Eagles are performing in Glasgow this weekend. A reader who saw the Eagles when they were at Murrayfield in Edinburgh tells us that, as the crowd swarmed onto the main road to make their way back to the city centre, a lone police officer shouted: "Get onto the pavement!"
After a few minutes of his command being ignored he then added: "Well don't then."
Spanner in the works
A COLLEAGUE wanders over to interrupt us with: "Lost my favourite spanner at the weekend. I know it seems daft, but it's a tremendous wrench."
Sorry about that.
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