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Money matters

AS Rangers stare administration in the face, a fan of the club in a Glasgow office had to endure his Celtic-minded colleagues singing a favoured Rangers song, but with the words slightly changed.

They amended the favourite Ibrox anthem to "Simply the bust".

Romantic fool

ON Valentine's Day we should mention the romantic Scot. We well remember the folk singer who declared: "The next song is about a Scotsman who loved his wife so much he almost told her."

An honourable mention then to author Adam Ardrey from Bothwell, whose book Finding Merlin, about the Arthurian wizard, has just come out in paperback. He confesses that he told his wife his working method was to concentrate on the actual history and "take away all the magic and the romance".

She couldn't help replying: "Nice to see you playing to your strengths."

Expressionism

OUR example of cerebral graffiti in a university loo reminds Lyn Bulloch in Rothesay who once spotted in a London art gallery toilet the artfully arch: "Dada wouldn't buy me a Bauhaus".

Thirst quencher

John Bannerman was standing in the queue in a Kilwinning bakery when a traffic warden came in and took two cartons of milk from the chill cabinet.

"Have they run out of blood?" a chap in the queue asked.

Crowd control

WE mentioned Billy Connolly's difficulties with hecklers. Clive McIlwaine remembers Billy challenging one chap who interrupted him: "Hey, you should have an agent instead of sitting in the dark, handling yourself."

Dropped stitch

DAFT gag? "Did you hear that the polis are hunting some guy who has stabbed at least three folk in the backside with knitting needles?" said the chap in the pub.

"They believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern."

Lost his way

Comedian Ross "Teddy" Craig, the host of new football podcast Scottish Comedy FC, once worked on the BBC show Only An Excuse and was so startruck he went in to the hospitality room to ask Kevin Keegan for his autograph.

Says Teddy: "The great man happily obliged. As I was walking back out of the room, legendary crooner Tony Christie (pictured) was walking in. He looked at me. He looked at the notepad. I looked back at him, thought, 'Were you European Footballer of the Year twice?' and walked past him."

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