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Music to someone's ears

MANY folk are still in shock after right-wing Ukip took a Euro seat in Scotland.

As one young Glasgow chap was heard explaining it to a pal yesterday: "See Ukip, it's like Coldplay the band. Everyone says in public they hate them, but somebody must be buying their rubbish records. It's tragic."

Double trouble

WE mentioned tour guides, and Jock Laidlaw from Lockerbie recalls: "I did an open-topped bus tour of Dublin when the guide announced at one point, 'The Taoiseach is a very fine man called Brian Cowen, currently doing the job of two men.' He then added, 'Laurel and Hardy'."

Before they know it all

THE Herald news story that academics want to revive interest in studying Latin in Scottish primary schools reminds a Glasgow teacher of telling her class that the word "ante" was the Latin for before, and could the pupils give any examples of it being used in a word. A hand popped up and a child eagerly told her "Antifreeze!"

"Not quite," replied the teacher, but the young one persisted: "Yes, you put it in your car before it freezes."

What's in a name?

SCOTTISH acronyms continued. Chris Ide in Waterfoot tells us that Dundee actually stands for "Definitely Underwhelming Nothing Doing Every Evening".

Only just pass-ed it

PEOPLE get quite excited when they turn 60 and qualify for their free bus pass. As one west ender in Glasgow told his pals: "I now qualify for my bus pass. Only drawback is the drivers who shout at me as if I'm deaf and senile.

"Luckily I am."

Sizing up a problem

BUYING underwear for your wife or girlfriend - often tricky if you are unprepared. A shop assistant in Glasgow tells us she had one gent in wishing to buy a bra for his wife. When the assistant asked what size, the customer told her: "She wears a size four shoe. Does that help?"

Food is for sharing

DO we believe the reader who tells us: "My wife told me the butter in the fridge was rock hard, and could I help spread it. So I went on to Facebook and told everyone that our butter was rock hard.

"Apparently that's not what she meant."

A quiz too far

TALKING about Facebook, a Bearsden reader says her pal told her: "My husband was complaining that I spend too much time filling out so many quizzes that pop up on Facebook. Do you think he is a) over-reacting, b) quite correct or c) just irritated?"

Art imitating life

EVERYONE in Glasgow is pleased that the much loved School of Art has been saved, although the damage inside is appalling. However one reader watching the rescue of the burned artefacts on the TV news tells us: "Seeing someone carry out a still smoking piece of wood, I couldn't stop myself from wondering if it was next year's winning Turner Prize."

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