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Musical interlude

REASONS why spelling is important.

A reader was in a city centre pub toilet where a member of staff had put a little typed notice on the cubicle door stating: "Handel broke". Their wayward spelling had allowed someone to write neatly below it: "Beethoven a bit strapped for cash too".

Heavy handed

TATTOOS continued. Gordon Higgins on Skye tells us: "During a rare visit to my home town of Kirkcaldy my brother introduced me to one of his friends Shug who looked a bit depressed. He explained that the previous week, while holidaying in Turkey, he decided after one too many to get a tattoo. When asked what he wanted, he answered in a broad Fife accent: "My name, 'Shug'" – only to wake up sober the following morning and find the word 'THUG' tattooed on his upper arm."

Watch the feathers fly

EVEN when it's biting cold it can be worthwhile leaving the office at lunchtime. A reader buying a sandwich yesterday heard a young chap tell his pal that his dad "races pigeons".

"What, you mean he runs after them?" asked his pal.

"You do know you're an idiot?" the first chap, not unreasonably, replied.

Language barrier

SCOTLAND'S opening Six Nations match against England tomorrow at Murrayfield reminds a Bridge of Weir reader of a neighbour who attended a Scotland-France match and wanted to swap his Scotland top at the end with a chap wearing a French top.

Mustering all the schoolboy French he could remember, he stumbled his way through a request to swap jerseys, using a pitiful French accent for good measure.

"Get lost with yer lousy French accent," the chap replied. "I've just swapped this myself," replied a slightly aggrieved Scots punter.

Name dropper

READERS are worrying over how the now plain Mr Fred Goodwin actually returns his knighthood. "Does the palace send him a postage paid 'Cash for Gold' envelope to put it in?" asks one.

"And are the bailiffs sent round to Tipp-Ex the 'Sir' off his stationary?" asks another.

Sign on the dotted line

A GROUP of Newton Mearns matrons was discussing the youth of today, and how grandchildren were tardy in thanking them for presents.

However one of them proudly declared: "I sent my grandson a cheque for his birthday and he came round the very next day to thank me."

As her friends looked on approvingly, she added: "Mind you, I had forgotten to sign it."

Payment due

AS the finances of Rangers Football Club appear increasingly precarious, a Celtic fan phones us to ask: "Is it true that Rangers fans received a letter from the club telling them that their payment for the 2015/16 season ticket is now due?"

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