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New breed of volunteer

THE Queen's Baton for the Commonwealth Games had a successful tour through Ayrshire at the weekend.

Among the cheering crowds in New Cumnock was one local who, observing the entourage that went with the Baton, commented: "We hivnae hud so many polis in the village since the Miners' Strike."

Incidentally, one police motorcyclist with the baton was asked if they had volunteered for the job. "Aye, you could say that," he replied, "but, in reality, we were voluntelt."

Seeing is believing

TALKING of police, Joe O'Neill in Carluke tells us of a friend driving down south who was stopped at a random vehicle checkpoint where the suspicious police officer going round the van checking tyres and so on, spotted a leather pouch in the passenger door storage bin and asked what was in it. "Binoculars," replied the driver.

"What do you use them for?" asked the officer, and although it led to his entire van being searched, Joe's pal couldn't resist replying: "To see things that are far away."

Hoff in the house

BAR-STAFF continued. Andy Cameron dusts off the yarn of American actor David Hasselhoff going into a Glasgow bar while he was in the city judging the auditions for Britain's Got Talent a few years ago. When the barman asked: "What can I get you Mr Hasselhoff?" the American entertainer cheerily replied: "You can just call me The Hoff."

"OK" said the barman, "Nae Hassel".

Clapped oot

FORMER Cream singer Eric Clapton was heavily criticised for walking off early at his Glasgow Hydro concert. We like the reaction of one disgruntled fan: "Clapton? Clapped oot mair like."

Plastic fantastic

NICHOLAS Wilson tells us he saw a chap at a posh shop's fish counter who mistakenly pointed at quite a large plastic display lobster and said he wanted that one. Full marks to the assistant who didn't want to embarrass the chap and instead told him that the smaller lobsters were fresher.

Parliamo Glasgow?

WE asked for advice on Glasgow to Commonwealth Games visitors, and Angus Macmillan suggests:

* A hauf and a hauf doesn't make one.

* If the shop assistant, having rung up all your purchases, asks: 'Is that you?' this is not an existential question.

First for information

WE have not mentioned World Cup commentators yet, so Iain Macdonald in Oban passes on: "ITV's Clive Tildsley's gem of information during the Argentina v Iran game on Saturday was inspired. He told us that instead of the usual practice, 'A lot of the Iran players have their Christian names on the back of their shirt'."

Murray's off hook

AND Iain Mann adds about the tournament in Brazil: "For every cloud there is always a silver lining. At Wimbledon this year no one will be asking Andy Murray if he is supporting England in the World Cup."

Wayne's world

WELL ok, just a final one about England as we won't be able to mention them again. "I don't really know my best position. Left, right or centre."

"Wayne, just get on the plane and pick a seat, will you?"

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