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No escape

THE CHRIS Huhne speeding case reminds David Speedie in New York of being stopped in Maryland by a state trooper for speeding, and David remonstrating: "But officer, there were other cars going at least as fast as I was."

The officer replied: "You know, ah go out duck huntin'. Ah see a string of ducks up there, ah aim and fire. One duck comes down, the rest keep on flyin'.'"

"No real answer to that," says David.

Food for thought

FRASER Ballantyne spots an advert for electrical store Currys which has a picture of a food processor beside the headline: "Ideal gift for your Valentine."

He fears any man who presents that to his partner would just be mixing it.

Higher authority

JOHN Gerrard in Arizona follows up our tipping story by sending a newspaper cutting about a pastor who was presented with a bill from the restaurant chain Applebee's which included an automatic 18% tip and she wrote across it: "I give God 10%. Why do you get 18?"

The waitress, who was sacked by the restaurant after putting a picture of the bill on social media, later declared: "I've been stiffed on tips before, but this is the first time I've seen the Big Man used as reasoning."

Double trouble

OUR school belt stories show how times have changed. Helen Wilson remembers being in a misbehaving primary seven class in the 1960s whose teacher declared they were all going to be belted.

As he didn't want to spend the time belting them all, he brought them forward in pairs and got them to belt each other.

"I can't begin to imagine the furore, should such a thing happen these days," says Helen.

No isn't an option

AND John Robertson tells us about his pal talking in class and the maths teacher shouting: "Do you want the belt boy?"

Says John: "My mate replied 'No'. 'No what?' he barked back at him, expecting him to say 'No sir.'

"My mate replied, 'No thanks.' "Obviously the belt then made an appearance."

Puppet show

"DID you see ITV is going to remake Thunderbirds?" said the chap in the Glasgow pub yesterday.

"Someone must have pulled a few strings."

Stormy weather ahead

AN English-based newspaper covered the story about the business tycoons entering the independence debate in Scotland, but somehow described them as "Typhoons" in its heading.

"Maybe they're trying to put the wind up us," a member of the Yes campaign tells us.

Right royal send off

NEWS of the skeleton found under a Leicester car park being confirmed as that of English King Richard III, prompts Andy Ewan in Dunoon to ask: "The bones are to be reinterred, so will Shakespeare's play be amended to have his closing lines: 'A hearse, a hearse, my kingdom for a hearse'?"

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