READER David Haining tells us: "A guy in the pub was describing the haggling involved in buying his new car.
After persuading the salesman to include a couple of free extras, he suggested that a full tank of petrol would clinch the deal. 'I'm sorry sir, I couldn't go that far,' replied the salesman, 'But what I will do is knock £200 off the price.'"
JAMIE Stuart in Glasgow's east end was in his local bank branch where one of the positions was closed with a sign in the glass stating: "Teller balancing".
"Is he auditioning fur the circus?" muttered the customer queuing in front of him.
TEENAGERS attempting entry to licensed premises have to show identification to prove their age, and some wily ones will use the ID of older friends or siblings. To catch them out stewards will sometimes ask them details from the driving licence or passport such as date of birth, address, or even postcode. One tipsy teenager proffered his driving licence at a Glasgow club on Saturday and challenged the steward: "Go on, ask me anything you like."
"What's the capital of Burkina Faso?" the large gentleman impassively inquired.
Lifting the depression
PILOTS have become a tad serious these days and refrain from too many quips. However a Bearsden reader on an internal flight in Australia tells us the pilot announced: "The weather at the destination is 24 degrees with some broken cloud."
He then added: "But we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive."
A READER was pondering the state of Scottish education when he was in the Tesco store in Greenock and encountered Rangers and Celtic fans boisterously trading banter over the financial state of Rangers. It ended with one of the Celtic fans shouting across: "I've two words to say to you – liquidation."
MOBILE phones are to be allowed at the Open this year after being banned for many years. It reminds us of American golfer Dicky Pride telling a spectator whose ringing phone broke his concentration: "Excuse me sir, I'm working here. If you have to work, would you please go to your office?"
But we don't think Colin Montgomerie would be so affable.
A WOMAN sharing a bottle of pinot grigio with friends in the west end announced she had split up from her boyfriend "due to religious differences". As she was not known for her church attendance they waited for an explanation and she told them: "He no longer worshipped me."
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