OUR story about the school history exam reminds Russell Vallance in Helensburgh:

"My friend's daughter was recently teaching on the effects of World War One. She asked the class: 'What was something specific Germany was made to do at the end of the war?'

"One girl answered: 'They had to hand back Alice and Lorraine'. Through splutters, the teacher asked who she thought Alice and Lorraine were. 'I guess two French girls kidnapped by the Germans before the war, Miss'."

Weapons grade sound

THE BBC reported yesterday that sales of ukuleles were rising in Scotland. We recall a bandleader in Glasgow asking the audience: "Why is a ukulele like an Exocet missile?" He then turned to the ukulele player and said: "By the time you hear it, it's too bloody late."

Sorry I spoke

A READER swears to us that he heard an aggrieved teenage girl in Glasgow turn to the girl with her and snap: "You texted 'Sorry' followed by six exclamation marks. Seven is the minimum I was looking for, so apology not accepted."

Beatle-browed

WE mentioned Glasgow songwriter Bill Martin's brother Iain, and David Porter in Hamilton tells us: "Iain was director of works, and my boss, at the old East Kilbride Development Corporation. Iain was a great character and smashing guy, but suffered a wee bit from malapropisms.

"At one particular meeting he was frustrated at someone's inability to grasp a fairly straightforward point, and observed that 'you don't have to be a Brian Epstein to work that out!'"

Well-grounded

WEST End football club Broomhill has been given entry to the Lowland League next season, and could be promoted the following year to the professional leagues, even though they don't actually have a football ground. Instead the Broomhill lads will be travelling to the more challenging area of Possil to ground-share with Ashfield Juniors at Saracen Park. "The locals," says one junior football observer, "will be puzzled by the delay to the kick-off as all the trendy west enders visiting for the first time will want to feng shui the park before the game."

Something in the air

OUR toilet stories remind Dave Biggart in Kilmacolm of waiting for a flight from Birmingham to Glasgow after a motor trade exhibition and passengers being informed there would be a delay as their plane couldn't take off for technical reasons and a replacement plane was coming from Wales. Says Dave: "As the drinking continued a sharp eye was kept for the plane and after an hour it was duly approaching. One of the watching salesmen announced, 'Oh dear, the plane's so old it's got outside toilets'."

Message from the band

SO what way will the independence referendum go? Grace Franklin points out: "Top reggae band UB40 seem to know more than the rest of us. They've billed their tour in October and November as a UK tour - but there are no Scottish dates."

Fevered debate?

IT'S the European elections this month, and reader Mark Boyle in Johnstone is concerned that no literature has arrived so far from the main parties. "Election fever?" says Mark. "There isn't even election sniffles or an electoral tummy bug in Johnstone."