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Northern blights

HIGHLANDERS' Institute continued.

Kate Woods lived near the HI in Berkley Street, and at chucking-out time often heard the drunken strains of the Northern Lights of Old Aberdeen, or somesuch. Says Kate: "One evening we heard a window yanked up and a very irate Glaswegian yell, 'If youse teuchters wanny see the Northern Lights I'll boot yer erses there the noo - nae charge!' There was silence for a moment, and then the singing resumed. We decided that the singers were Gaelic speakers and had not yet learned the finer points of the Glasgow dialect."

Spot the comic

FOOTBALL on the telly, and Jim Gilmour was on holiday on Minorca when he saw a blackboard outside a pub on which was chalked "Live Scottish football on TV. Celtic v Dandy."

Come on, who wouldn't pay good money to see Celtic against the likes of Desperate Dan and Corky the Cat?

Rising to the challenge

WE mentioned puns in French stores, and Sebastian Robinson in Glasgow's west end tells us: "I noticed in the very swish Rue St Honore in Paris a sandwich shop called Plaisirs et Pains."

Queen's English

THE TV commentator who pronounced the Scottish team St Mirren as if it was French reminds Gordon Fleming: "My friend Eddie, having just finished his degree at Queen's, Belfast, was looking for a wee house in Ayrshire. He had been given details of a cottage in a village next to Prestwick, but as he asked for directions to 'San Keevoe' all he got were blank stares until one local worthy realised he was looking for St Quivox."

Ale and hearty

UNDER-AGE drinking. Terrible thing, of course, now that it is years since we did it. But as Andy Cumming recalls: "One friend who wanted his first illegal first pint had some immature moustache hair on his top lip so he decided to fill it out with his sister's eye-liner to make him look older. The first pint was great. But he now sported a rather fetching gringo Mexican-style of facial hair."

Anyone else remember their first under-age pint?

Breaking up is hard to do

INDEPENDENCE humour continued. Singing duo Jonny & The Baptists bring their Stop Ukip tour to Glasgow's Stand comedy clup on Sunday. When asked about their song Scotland Don't Leave Me they explained: "The song is just a funny way to talk about something serious. Scottish independence is not unlike a break-up. England have been idiots, not treating you right, sometimes playing away, and now Scotland has had enough and might move on. But come on! Surely we've got to stay together for the little kids, Wales and Northern Ireland?"

Music to her ears

SHOWBIZ gossip, and actress Gwyneth Paltrow has announced she has split up from her musician husband. As a reader phones to tell us: "I guess Gwyneth finally got around to listening to Coldplay."

Road to confusion

A POLL released yesterday shows that over one-third of Scots are concerned about the driving skills of an elderly relative. It reminds us of the gag about the pensioner stopped for driving far too slowly on the M8. When the police asked why she was crawling along she said she thought the sign M8 meant she had to go at eight miles an hour.

The old fella beside her looked a bit faint, and when the cops asked if he was ok, he told them they had just come off the M90.

Any other tales about elderly drivers?

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