GRANDCHILDREN continued.

Douglas McLeod in Newlands, Glasgow recalls a friend's five-year-old daughter visiting her grandmother who had no sweets in the house and instead give the child an oatcake covered with jam as a treat.

A few minutes later the little girl appeared back in the kitchen with the uneaten oatcake on the plate, now minus the jam, and announced: "Thanks for the jam Granny – and here's your wee board back."

Says Douglas: "My wife and I have referred to oatcakes as 'wee boards' ever since."

Triumphant finale

NOT every couple shares the same musical tastes, of course. A woman leaving Glasgow Royal Concert Hall with her partner was heard telling him triumphantly: "Told you you'd like it."

But the chap merely replied: "I clapped because it finished, not because I liked it."

Memory loss

SINGER Rod Stewart is to be the opening act at Glasgow's Hydro arena later this year.

This reminds us of the chap heard telling his daughter in a Glasgow store about going to a previous Rod Stewart concert in his youth.

He suddenly stopped and asked her: "Have I told you this before?"

"So many times," his daughter replied, "I can't believe you're not in a nursing home."

Water way to go

INCIDENTALLY, we asked yesterday if hydrophobia was a fear that the stadium wouldn't be open in time. David Donaldson asks: "And is hydrophilia a fear that the arena will be mostly half-empty?"

A connoisseur

CHRIS Gibson, on a North Sea platform, tells us one of the roustabouts had barbecue ribs for the first time the other day.

When asked if he enjoyed them he replied: "Fine, but no' again. Too many bones for me."

Skewered

OUR tale of the child thinking cows were large dugs reminded Gordon Airs in Bridge of Weir of a recent trip to Jordan when the wise-cracking local guide asked the busload of Brits what they called these animals in the fields?

"Sheep?" suggested a bewildered traveller.

"Ah," he replied. "Here, we call them shish kebab."

Clear off

A GLASGOW reader hears a chap in his local pub tell about taking his kids to a fast food restaurant at the weekend where the table was covered in so much debris from previous meals that he had to spend a good five minutes clearing it up before they could eat.

"Did the staff thank you?" asked one of his mates.

"Thank me?" the chap replied. "My picture's up on the wall as employee of the month."

Party spirit

POLITICAL news, and a Labour Party activist tells us that a swivel-eyed loon has complained that he has been accused of being a member of the Conservative Party.