MOBILE phones cover a multitude of sins.

A reader was walking in Buchanan Street behind a chap who answered his phone with: "Oh great to hear from you. Listen I'm just getting into a lift so I might lose the signal." The chap then put his mobile back in his pocket and carried on walking.

Sticking point?

GOODNESS, it must be a squeeze getting all those new peers into the House of Lords. We don't think the left-wing news magazine the New Statesman was in favour of all the political appointments to the Lords, as it couldn't stop itself from describing Glasgow businessman Willie Haughey, boss of City Refrigeration, who will become Lord Haughey, as a "Scottish fridge magnate".

Old slogan?

ALSO Lords-bound is Scots Tory Annabel Goldie, who at least had a sense of humour when she spoke at a fringe meeting at the Tory Conference when it was held in Bournemouth - a seaside town known for its many retirees.

Annabel told her audience that she once saw graffiti on a wall which referred to Bournemouth as well as the more easterly ferry terminal of Harwich. The graffiti stated: "Harwich for the continent. Bournemouth for the incontinent."

Soft cell

THE website Google maps allows you to leave reviews of businesses that appear on its maps, so some inventive chaps have left reviews on the Glasgow map of the city's Barlinnie Jail.

Writes one allegedly former incumbent, in the style of a holiday review: "10/10. Best vacation I've ever had! This place is so exclusive that you need to get a judge to recommend you! The employees there don't seem to want you to leave.

"They show you to your room as soon as you arrive and make sure you get the finest shower when you get there."

Still wouldn't want to stay there though.

Fast thinking

IT'S the Islamic month of Ramadan when folk fast during the day. A reader liked the T-shirt of the chap working at the Eglinton Toll car-wash in Glasgow which was in the style of the car racing films The Fast and the Furious. His T-shirt read however "The Fasting and The Furious."

Late disappointment

BAND names continued. Neil Scott tells us: "A band I once played in was called Late Licence. After we chose the name we were not too surprised at the large numbers of punters who came to our gigs. Most left, however, when they discovered that they couldn't drink until all hours"

True to type?

A DISCUSSION on smoking was taking place at an Ayrshire golf club when one chap declared to a smoker: "So what is it now, eight quid a packet? At a packet a day that's nearly three grand a year. So over 20 years you could have bought an F-Type Jaguar."

"Do you smoke?" the smoker replied.

"No," said the chap.

"So where's your Jag?" asked the smoker.

Red-faced?

Yes, there's something special about Glasgow waiters. A reader tells us: "The wife and I were dining in an upmarket Merchant City eaterie.

"I had a quiet chuckle when our Weegie waiter delivered the main courses, with an apology, for the fact, 'Wan o' yer cherry tomatoes skited aff the plate'."