IT was a mainly mature audience on Sunday night at the UCS work-in anniversary concert at Glasgow's Old Fruitmarket.
As veteran performer Jimmie Macgregor told the audience: "Ronnie Scott of Ronnie Scott's jazz club once said that you can look young by associating with old people. So thanks very much for coming along tonight."
FORMER Central Hotel page boy Desmond Lynn tells in the sumptuous history of the hotel, Glasgow's Grand Central Hotel by Bill Hicks and Jill Scott, of comedy duo Laurel and Hardy staying there and waving to the thousands of fans thronging Hope Street.
Oliver Hardy asked for a pen or pencil to sign autographs, and Desmond handed him his pencil. When Oliver remarked on how small the pencil was, Desmond boldly replied: "Not as small as your sixpenny tip."
The duo laughed, took the hint, and handed Desmond a princely five shillings each.
THE book also tells of the fine dining at the Central where a guest at a dinner to mark the launch of a ship at the Fairfield yard asked a waiter how to eat the asparagus tips with butter he had just been served.
"Just hang back and watch another table," replied the waiter.
CATHERINE MacCallum in Glasgow spots baby buggies in a city supermarket and notes that their cardboard boxes are marked "Not for use when running or skating".
"The mind boggles as to Glaswegians 'pram skating' or holding 'pram-athons' in the run-up to the 2014 Commonwealth Games. Presumably this is the manufacturer's way of deterring any mothers without childcare from entering for Dancing on Ice," she tells us.
The trouble with Bairns...
TATTOOS continued. Jim Scott recalls a dedicated Falkirk supporter coming into the office one Monday proudly showing off the club badge tattooed on his upper arm.
It was simple enough to send him running anxiously to the mirror when one of Jim's colleagues looked at the tattoo and innocently asked: "Flakirk?"
Stand and deliver
MY inability to spell stationery correctly makes reader Jim Hair in Dalry think he can get away with telling the ancient joke about the chap asking the young lady in WH Smith's: "Do you keep stationery?"
Yes, altogether now: "'No, my boyfriend prefers me to move about a bit,' she replied."
So you've been warned. Point out my spelling errors and I'll be forced to use very old jokes on you.
TALKING of spelling, a reader noticed on a young friend's Facebook page that she had written: "I'm board".
Rather than point out her mistake in a gloating fashion, one of her male friends replied more subtly: "I'm chalk. Perhaps we should get together."
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