On to a winner?

Diary Editor

Tuesday 26 April 2011

HOLIDAYING at Easter was a Glasgow chap who had been persuaded by his family to go pony trekking in the Lake District.

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Ken Smith

Being a tad dubious about the venture, he asked his wife as they were putting on their riding helmets, and surveying the four-legged beasts in front of them: “How can I pick the slowest one?”

“Put a bet on it,” his wife replied. “That usually works for you.”High flierAND talking of Easter, a reader says when he was at Sunday School he thought the teacher had said that Jesus had been put to his death, not by Pontius Pilate, but an “unconscious pilot”.“Until I was 12,” he tells us, “I thought Jesus had died in a helicopter accident.”Aussie talkGARY Johnston in Australia was talking to a fellow expat, Billy, about how you can tell if you have been fully absorbed into Australian life. Billy went to a bookshelf and returned with a tome entitled Blokes and Their Sheds. “If you think this is about garden outhouses, you’re definitely an Aussie,” Billy told him.“If, on the other hand, you assume it’s a book about hairstyles, you’re still essentially Scottish.”Single lifeREADER David Will tells us: “Overheard in a Milngavie supermarket, a douce elderly woman comforting another lady whom I took to be recently widowed. ‘Don’t you find that you use less milk now that you’re on your own?’ she said. Clouds and silver lining came to mind.”Saints aliveNEXT Monday, England celebrates St George’s Day. An American visitor to Scotland says when he was visiting Stratford-upon-Avon he asked a local what St George’s Day was all about.“It’s like St Patrick’s Day,” the chap replied. “But without all the fuss.”Location, location, locationA PUB discussion in Edinburgh last week was about the news that iPhones have a built-in tracking device which monitors everywhere the owner goes. Although some in the discussion expressed their anger at such a thing, one sage pointed out: “What’s the big deal? It’s not as if iPhone users don’t tell you on Facebook where they are every five minutes anyway.”Power to the peopleLESS than a fortnight to the Scottish elections, and a cynical Tory supporter declares: “If the Green Party get enough seats to hold the balance of power at Holyrood, would the last person to leave Scotland unplug the windmills?”Ballot boxAND let’s not forget we also vote that day on possibly changing the voting system. As one budding psephologist phones to ask: “Can you vote ‘Yes’ for AV and put ‘No’ as your second preference?”

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