THE sports website Inside the Games has been warning that there may be many empty seats at the opening and closing ceremonies of the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow due to the high cost of the tickets (up to £250).
It quotes one local who showed that indomitable Glasgow spirt by declaring: "Bought two opening ceremony tickets. Think I may have a seat next to Sir Chris Hoy, given what I paid for them."
Cup runneth over
OUR mention of the chap struggling to buy a bra for his wife provoked entertainer Andy Cameron to take us back, we suspect, to the world of variety theatre, by telling us: "A wee Glesga chap went into a ladies' lingerie shoap and asked for a bra for his wife. When the assistant asked what size he said, 'It must be a 15, hen'. Seeing the puzzled look on the assistant's face, he whipped off his bunnet and explained, 'Aye hen, this is a size seven and a hauf, and this fits wan o' them'."
Goodness, we can almost feel a hook coming out from the side of the stage.
Tour de force
TOUR guides continued. Says Gilbert MacKay: "When I took a bus tour of Hamburg, the guide was funny, clever and spoke impeccable English. However, she reverted to stereotype when we got back to the terminus. 'For you,' she said solemnly, 'the tour is over'."
Dreams do come true
LEITH author Irvine Welsh of Trainspotting fame has been on a tour in Switzerland, France, Spain, New Zealand and Australia to promote his latest novel. Staggering off his flight from Australia, Irvine tweeted his fans: "Been so disorientated on my travels, I even had a bizarre dream that Hibs were relegated!"
Nice try. Irvine. Meanwhile a reader phones to tell us that Irvine's fellow Hibs fans, the Proclaimers, are having to re-write one of their songs in the light of Hibernian's plight. It will now be: "Celtic no more. Aberdeen no more. Motherwell no more."
Humble pie
SCOTTISH acronyms, and Kieran McDaid suggests: "Bearsden - Buy Expensive Area Requires Spam Dinners Eaten Nightly".
True grits
SAD to hear of the death of the great black American writer Maya Angelou. Literary editor Rosemary Goring tells us that Maya was happy to put herself down when telling a story. "There was the day," says Rosemary, "when she waited interminably to be served breakfast in an airport in North Carolina. Perceiving this as a racist slight, she summoned the waitress and told her that if there was a problem with serving her because she was black, she'd better tell her 'and then call the police'. The girl explained cheerfully that the chef had run out of grits and couldn't serve breakfast without them. She predicted the meal would be ready in 10 minutes. Maya said she felt 'the ninny of all times'."
Will to live
A HOSPITAL worker in Glasgow tells us she hopes the woman was just joking when a patient was rushed into A&E in a serious condition, and after medical staff stabilised his condition, his wife was allowed in to see him for a few minues. She put her hand on his arm, looked into his eyes, and said, 'Jim, where is your will?'"
Testing time
A COLLEAGUE wanders over to interrupt us with the suggestion: "Liven up trips to Tesco by mischievously dropping a pregnancy test into a couple's trolley."
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