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Out of tune

AFTER the news story about the Hibs match announcer being sacked for playing Taxman by the Beatles, in mocking reference to rival Hearts' woes, Keith White in Paisley recalls: "The referee and two linesmen at Paisley Pirates ice hockey match took to the ice accompanied by the tune Three Blind Mice.

That announcer was also reprimanded."

Black and white

NOSTALGIA alert! Our mention of the sex and bondage novel Fifty Shades of Grey reminds Jim Hair of the gag by the great variety hall comedian Lex McLean who told his Glasgow Pavilion audience: "Told the wife that black underwear turned me on.

"So she didn't wash my vest for a month."

Fizzy pop

NEWS that the makers of Irn-Bru are merging with fellow soft drinks company Britvic makes us return to Deedee Cuddihy's mini book I Love Irn-Bru which will horrify dentists with the comment by a Glaswegian: "My wee brother got Irn-Bru in his feeding bottle from when he was about nine months old. But you waited a minute before putting the top on or else it would be too gassy for him."

Van rouge

FURTHER nostalgia as we note that Glasgow's Urban Brasserie is holding a dinner to welcome this year's Beaujolais nouveau. It reminds us of the 1980s when bars such as La Bonne Auberge in Glasgow had frantic races to bring the watery young wine to the city, usually with comely girls dressed in can-can attire.

One year The Diary's Tom Shields was sent to bring the wine to Glasgow, but instead of the French countryside, he only got to a car park in Leeds where the lorry from France was met by a van from Scotland, and Tom had to help the driver humph 350 cases on board. Oh how we laughed.

Surely some mistake?

A GLASGOW reader tells us he dropped in on a large city centre pub where a group of young chaps were intently watching the BBC 24-hour news on the pub telly which had the subtitles on.

"Has anything important happened?" he asked, wondering what the interest was.

"No," replied one of the lads. "We just take a drink every time there's a fault in the subtitles."

Wild west

WE told of the Glasgow boy called James Bond being questioned by police, and Dave Martin tells us of the Dundee brothers stopped by police for late-night carousing. When the first brother correctly gave his name as Gary Cooper they were warned by the officers they would spend the night in jail if they kept up that cowboy malarkey.

It was too tempting for Gary's brother Paul who ensured they were lifted. When asked his name he said: "John Wayne."

Barking up the wrong tree

MISPLACED apostrophes continued. Phyllis Anderson in Milton of Campsie saw a sign in a children's park stating: "No dog's".

Someone had written below it: "Dog's what?"

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