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Panto's piercing wit

OH yes it is panto time, and Kevin Toner was at Mother Goose in the south side's Eastwood Theatre, enjoying the sword fight.

Says Kevin: "After several theatrical swings and jabs the goodie disarms the baddie who pleads his innocence and says he'll change his ways. 'Should I let him off?' shouts the goodie. 'Naw!' screams a wee girl aged about five. 'Stab 'im!'

"Surely not a resident of Giffnock or the Mearns …"

A cautious Christmas

HIGHLAND MSP John Finnie didn't realise how cautious the Scottish Football Association is until he received an e-mailed Christmas card from it as a member of its Scotland Supporters Club which wished him "A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year."

Below in smaller lettering it stated: "This message is not intended to be legally binding. The information is confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any use of this message is strictly prohibited."

So not that merry then.

Lucky rabbit

WE mentioned superstitions, and one of the most poignant in Deedee Cuddihy's book, Scottish Superstitions, was the chap who told her: "My grannie went to the bingo in Partick almost every day and she always borrowed a rabbit's foot brooch of my mother's and laid it on top of her cards to bring her luck. And she was quite lucky. When my mother died I showed the brooch to a friend who said, 'That's not a rabbit's foot, it's a grouse claw'."

Makes you proud

SCOTLAND can be proud of being in the forefront of the Free Nelson Mandela campaign. But not everyone was sympathetic. Author Robert Jeffrey tells in his just published book about Peterhead Prison that Glasgow hard man "Mad Dog" Duggan was spotted on the roof during a riot waving a banner saying "Forget Mandela, free me!" Robert adds: "Mind you, the first word might not have been 'forget'."

No score drawl

PILOTS continued. A retired sports journalist tells us about accompanying an Old Firm team to Eastern Europe when the chatty pilot on the chartered plane announced he wouldn't be at the game himself as he and his co-pilot were taking the two stewardesses out for dinner.

On the flight back to Glasgow following a nil-all draw, the pilot came on to tell the team: "Sorry about the result. If it's any consolation, we didn't score either."

Honesty on the menu

WE'VE mentioned before the pugnacity of Scottish waitresses. Martin Steel of Hamilton was in one restaurant when the waitress asked who was having the sticky toffee pudding. Being self-effacing, Martin replied it was for the old fat guy in the corner.

"Nonsense," she said, making Martin think that perhaps he did not look that old or that overweight. And then she added: "You're nowhere near the corner."

This is the future

A SHOP assistant tells us about a mother shopping with her daughter with the pair arguing about what the girl had, or had not, told her mum. Eventually the mother snapped: "How do you expect me to know these things, if you don't tell me? I'm not clairvoyant."

The puzzled girl thought about this before asking: "Who's Claire Voyant?"

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