TOPICAL tweet from Greg Hemphill:
"I like to dress up as dead things at Hallowe'en so this year I'm going as the Scottish Labour Party."
Jong-Un or wrong-un?
THE North Korean leader, Kim Jong-Un, has been seen in public for the first time in 40 days. Where has he been all this time?
Among the best suggestions spotted online yesterday: he's been catching up on the last series of Downton Abbey on DVD and is now fully up to date; he was stuck in a queue for the new iPhone6; and he had finally taken a look in the mirror at his haircut.
Have I Got News For You, on the other hand, tweeted that at least we now know exactly how long it takes for North Korea to make a fully operational robotic replica of Kim Jong-un.
High Hydro hopes
NOEL Gallagher, formerly part of Oasis, is bringing his band, High Flying Birds, to the SSE Hydro next March. Not everyone is impressed, though.
"You'll never fill the Hydro, big man," someone has posted on the venue's Facebook page. "You're better playing King Tut's!"
Call of the wild
CLYDE 1 listener Nicola French probably doesn't feel like talking to her boss anytime soon, after losing out on a chance to win £300.
The station has launched a Cash Call weekday contest. Several times a day, presenters read out a cash amount being given away in that particular hour.
Listeners have to remember the precise amount. If Clyde 1 rings them within 45 minutes, they have 15 seconds to answer. If they get the figures right, they win that amount.
Clyde 1's Facebook page yesterday carried the message: "Nicola French... had you answered your phone, you could have been £306.02 richer."
Replied an anguished Nicola: "It was me - gutted!! My boss phoned & asked me to work on Sun & Clyde1 on the other line - just my luck!"
Ironing's a pain
FRANCES Woodward emails the Diary from Mirfield, West Yorkshire. "We have a web page at work for anyone to advertise services such as cake-making, but I was alarmed to read an advert that asked, 'Are you fed up ironing piles?'
"Nothing to do with a new medical discovery, but about ironing fiddly curtains with pleats." Any other adverts out there that don't match the Trades Description Act?
Howe no
LACONIC Arizonian musician, Howe Gelb, right, a man not noted for conventionality, told a Glasgow audience on Monday night that he never wrote out set-lists for his performances.
"I didn't come into this business to do paperwork," he quipped.
Thanks to Mike Ritchie for passing this on.
Out in the cold
AND finally ... a tale of domestic misunderstanding from one of the Diary's acquaintances.
He says his wife left a note on the fridge that read, "This isn't working, Goodbye."
He says: "I just looked in the fridge and it seems to be working fine. Haven't seen her all day to ask what the fridge problem was ... "
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