AT long last, we can reveal the secret to staying married for 70 years.
Mary and Finlay Mackenzie, of Strond, Harris, have just marked their platinum anniversary, and the Stornoway Gazette asked them how they'd achieved it. "Don't be speaking to each other," replied Mary, sagely.
Thanks to John Neil for spotting this one.
GREAT joke from the Popbitch website: the two big Manchester football clubs have come together to launch a new perfume. They're unveiling it on a Thursday night in January. It's name? Channel No5.
One thing at a time
IT'S reassuring to know that, even in the depths of the festive buying spree, some retailers are looking ahead. Reader Robert Laurie has spotted Easter eggs and chocolate bunnies on sale in Spar.
"Is this another sign of global warming?" he asks, not unreasonably. "And why are there no heart-shaped boxes of chocolates for St Valentine's Day out yet?"
ALISTAIR Hems, whose son, Ian, was responsible for the YouTube video of the ScotRail incident, saw our item on Thursday about ScotRail's new slogan.
"Since it was my son who filmed the whole incident on his phone, perhaps a suitable slogan might be: 'Warning - Nae ticket? We'll put the Hems oan youse -' Oh well, just a thought."
Over to you, ScotRail. We'll be charging a tidy commission if you want to use it, though.
Back on track
ON an indecently early train to Aberdeen the other day, the trolley hostess was plying her wares to little effect – hardly surprising, given the time of day.
Stopping beside passenger Andy Minellas, she said: "No' very lively in here this mornin', is it?"
Feeling under pressure to reply, Andy said: "Not everybody can go oot at night kickin' it up then be bright 'n' cheery the next day."
To which she said: "Aye, everybody thinks we're livin' a party lifestyle but this is hard work."
Nobody said anything, Andy tells us, but he was left wondering about her definition of party lifestyle -
Play for today
TRADESMAN'S names, continued. Jennifer Hogg, of Netherlee, Glasgow, emails to tell us about a van that used to be seen on the neighbourhood streets - belonging to a company that went under the name of M Pyre Builders.
READER Jonathan Kennedy passes on word about a Partick Thistle tweeter, Jagstwit, who, unable to resist the news that Celtic fans might be in trouble for setting off flares in Italy last Thursday night, writes: "Celtic fans are being criticised for wearing flares?"
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