A READER hurrying through Glasgow's Central Station this week was stopped by a man – Yorkshireman, judging by his accent – who took her by surprise by asking if he could pee on the train.
She mumbled something about one or two of the trains having their own toilets, and hurried past him. But the strange look he gave her troubled her until she finally worked out that the poor chap was merely asking if it was possible to purchase a ticket on board rather than queue up at the ticket office.
DADS who think they are funny, continued. A south side girl wishing to sprinkle cheese on her spaghetti asked: "Where's the cheese grater?"
"Some would say France, others would say Cheddar in England," dad replied from the dinner table.
A LANARKSHIRE teacher tells us she is yearning for the school holidays after catching two pupils in her class passing a note between them.
She snatched it from them and said: "Do you want me to read this out to the whole of the class?"
She then read: "Dear teacher, you thought this was some terrible gossip."
A FINAL question from Cameron McPhail's new book The Scottish Nationality Test: Edinburgh's Princes Street is some 2500 yards long. If the economically-feasible distance between panhandlers is 100 yards, how many former bankers can make a living on this street?
The answer is: "Given the fees at Edinburgh private schools, no more than one."
THANKFULLY the Euro 2012 tournament has kept football fans' interest going over the summer break. But already it looks as though Greece are out of the tournament.
As one punter remarked in a Glasgow pub last night: "I hear the Greek authorities have already issued the players with cardboard signs for the hitch-hike home."
AND after trouble flared with Russian fans fighting in Poland, John Cochrane wonders: "What sanctions will the Russians get for their fans conduct? Sent to the naughty steppes?"
A real test
A READER travelling on the bus into Glasgow the other day heard a young girl tell her pal: "I don't think my driving instructor likes me."
She then explained: "When he asked me what do you do at a red light, I told him I usually checked my text messages."
It makes you ink...
"DO you know who I feel sorry for if Rangers have to use a new name after liquidation?" said a punter in Glasgow yesterday.
"All the punters having to go and get their tattoos changed."
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