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Pipe dream

WE mentioned supermarket Tannoy announcements, and a reader tells us he once heard:

"Our butchers have prepared a large haggis for Burns Night celebrations. It will be marched around the store accompanied by the squirrel of the pipes." Alas no matter how hard he looked there were no furry-tailed creatures blowing away on Scotland the Brave.

In the pasta

AND talking of food, David Donaldson recalls: "Back in the 70s, when tins were still the norm and food was just beginning to get a bit trendy, we employed a lot of sewing machinists. I remember one of them announcing indignantly to all and sundry: 'I sent my wee girl to the shops for some spaghetti and what did they give her? Stiff spaghetti!'"

Shirt story

THE SFA has launched a brightly hooped second strip for the Scotland team which has sharply divided the opinions of supporters. As one stated on a fans' forum: "Well that's saved me a few bob. My son said 'Seriously?' when I showed it to him."

Fizzing around

ALPINE lemonade deliveries continued. Says Bobby Milliken in Innellan: "I worked beside a guy who lived in the east end of Glasgow who said the place was so poor the only motors in the street were the Alpine lorries on a Friday night."

Surprise delivery

AND Iain McFarlane in Old Kilpatrick remembers: "When I was an assistant head in a school in the east end of Glasgow the Alpine lorry would visit my street on a Wednesday evening. One evening on answering the door I was surprised to see one of my charges whom I had not seen for some weeks.

"The speed at which he exited my path was astounding. He appeared at school the next day with his mother explaining that she thought that he was on work experience to enhance his entrepreneurial skills."

Humour, your honour

WHO knew judges had a sense of humour? An advocate points us towards a recent judgment by Lord Uist in a damages case which begins: "Monday, July 3 was, unusually, a lovely sunny day in west central Scotland."

Grapes of wrath

WE finished our wine stories, but we should just squeeze in Jimmy Lynich telling us: "In the 70s I visited a pub in Paisley with German friends who ordered wine. A bottle of Hirondelle was produced and a German friend took one mouthful and said, 'Bahndammschattenseite!' It translates as 'the shady side of the railway embankment'. She wasn't wrong, either."

Animal magic

FROM German to French as teacher Angela Simms tells us of marking French prelim essays where the subject was "Une soirée a la maison" - an evening at home. Says Angela: 'I was finding it hard to work out why this 'soirée' was running up the curtains, under the table and chasing the pupil's mother out of the room.

"The next day I sent for the lad and told him that I was a bit confused. He said: 'Miss, I thought it was easy - I wrote about a moose in the hoose'. Yes mouse is souris in French."

Glorious defeat

A POSTSCRIPT to the Olympic Games and the Scottish curlers losing 9-3 in the final. As John Delaney in Lochwinnoch, with a fine memory of previous Scottish sporting occasions, puts it: "So, 9-3, but at least Frank Haffey won't get the blame this time."

Contextual targeting label: 
Food and drink

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