PRIME Minister David Cameron has changed his mind it seems, and is considering legislation so that cigarettes will have to be sold in plain packets.

Our Westminster contact phones to tell us: "It's so that he's got something to write the next Tory manifesto on the back of."

After-dinner speaker

A PRESTWICK reader passes on: "While visiting my aunt in a Glasgow hospital, a very neat, young, stylish and well-spoken dietician entered the ward.

"She approached a very thin, frail wee old lady and in her poshest Bearsden said, 'And why do we think you may be losing weight?' At this, the wee old lady replied simply, 'Ahm no eatin hen'."

Dead funny

WE mentioned the pantomime season beginning. It is also the time, of course, of hotels putting on Christmas nights out.

Barry McGirr at the Leapark Hotel in Grangemouth tells us: "We've got Liverpool comedian Gary Skyner appearing at our Christmas Dinner Shows this year.

"He was telling the partygoers the other night that he'd been tending his wife's grave in the morning. 'She's not aware of that of course,' he said. 'She thinks it's a fish pond'."

Theatre critic

TALKING of pantomimes, a regular attender at such annual events explains to us: "Whenever I see someone famous off the telly on the stage at a pantomime I have this urge to shout out, 'It's beneath you!'"

Musical interlude

LISTENING to music has changed so much in recent years, what with folk listening to tracks on shuffle on their iPods.

As one reader told us yesterday: "My friends were discussing when they had last listened to an album in its entirety. One of them replied, 'The last time TalkTalk put me on hold'."

Parting shot

LEWIS Collins, from the great TV series of our youth, The Professionals, has sadly died.

As Glasgow stand-up Janey Godley, who had a tough upbringing in the city's east end, put it: "My first ever teenage sexual lustings were over Lewis Collins. I ended up being a teen bride to a rough man who owned a gun - I blame Lewis."

Droll up!

WE asked for the footballing punditry that annoys you and a Partick reader explodes: "I hate it when a commentator says some team has 'set out their stall'. I reckon the chances of any overpaid footballer going anywhere near a market stall where real people shop is beyond impossible."

Any more?

Talk o' the steamin'

A GROUP of chaps in a Glasgow pub were reminiscing about their younger days. One of them moaned: "I used to get upset when my mates were out playing without even asking me along.

"Totally uncalled for."

Nougat waffle

OCCASIONALLY Glaswegians can become a bit whimsical. One such person was the young lady who spotted an ice cream van on her way to work and asked her pal: "Do you think ice cream vans are ambulances that dropped out of medical school?"