SOME frantic shift changing for Celtic fans next Tuesday as their European tie against Shakhtyor Karaganda kicks off at four in the afternoon.

As someone explained on a Celtic fans' website: "For those unable to make the short hop across Europe, the game will be shown live on ITV4, with a 4pm kick-off. There's a four-hour time difference between Scotland and Kazakhstan, and it will be 8pm over there.

"Married men will understand the concept of time differences, as there always seems to be a big difference between what time we say we will leave the pub, and what time we get home. This is also known as 'crossing the international dateline'."

Kerb those instincts

ENGLISH comedian Lee Nelson, who has just started his run of shows at the Edinburgh Fringe, publicised his appearance by putting a clip on YouTube discussing the Scottish independence referendum and explaining: "The Scots are going to regret that when they all sober up, although admittedly that will probably never happen."

He does accept though that there are differences between England and Scotland. "In London, we call it a pavement. In Glasgow, they call it a bed."

He's only joking, we think.

Lesson needed

A READER heard a young lad on the bus the other day complaining that his mum was giving him too much information. His mum told him: "I'm just trying to teach you."

"I don't want to be teached," replied the lad, which might, says our reader, destroy his argument.

Horror show

CONGRATULATIONS to Christine Ohuruogu on winning the 400 metres in the world championships and taking gold for Britain. Reader Bill Cassidy tells us her win was only slightly marred by the BBC2 subtitles faltering over her name and coming up with Christine A horror guru".

Waitress's tip

OUR tales of Stakis restaurants and waitresses remind Stuart Miller in Linlithgow: "As a student, I lived above a Stakis restaurant in the west end of Glasgow. One day I went to the local baker's for a lunchtime sandwich and found myself in the queue behind one of the Stakis waitresses. I asked her if she wasn't entitled to lunch in the restaurant, to which she replied: 'Yes, but I wouldn't eat anything from that place'."

Virtual reality

DO younger people spend too much time using technology, asks a reader? He heard a girl in Botanic Gardens tell her pal: "Did you see how funny that puppy was? It was like watching a real-life YouTube video."

Dark blues

THE big game tonight is of course the England v Scotland friendly at Wembley. A reader in London swears to us that a chap in his local announced that he had put a bet on at 300-1 that England would repeat the 9-3 score from the infamous Frank Haffey game.

His mate interrupted him and told him he was wasting his money. But then added: "There's no way Scotland will score three goals."