READER John Bannerman took two Chinese vases to an Ayrshire hotel where people were being auditioned for the television antiques show Secret Dealers.
Although elderly aunts always claimed they were valuable, John was crestfallen when dealer Karen Dalmeny said they were worth only £40 - and that was for the pair.
As John lowered the plastic bag containing the vases to the floor, there was an ominous cracking sound.
"Much less than that now," added Karen.
Spreading the net
PARENTING advice in a Glasgow pub at the weekend where a chap was complaining about all the shouting he had to do just to get his family together as everyone seems to be doing their own thing around the house.
"Save your voice," piped up a chap further down the bar. "Just turn off your wi-fi router and wait beside it. They'll all be down in seconds."
MARLENE Anderson tells us: "Thought you might be interested to hear about the painter and decorating company whose van I see driving around Stirling with the logo 'Decor 9'. Presumably one better than Decorate."
NOT everyone had great weather this summer. As reader Stuart Roberts in Switzerland opines: "Looking back over summer, I'm left wondering why is it that the only thing that got tanned was my Visa card."
AS one of the few openly Tory-supporting English comics, Geoff Norcott, appearing at Just The Tonic at the Edinburgh Fringe, was wondering what reaction he would get from Scots. But as he tells us: "I think the imminent referendum has changed the perception of the auld enemy. Scottish people are now able to view the English with the kind of benign pity women reserve for burnt-out middle-aged blokes they're planning to divorce."
He did say at one of his shows: "I'm patriotic about being English. Is that ok?" and after a pause a Glaswegian replied: "Why don't you lay out your argument first and we'll let you know whether or not it's ok?"
SINGER Aletia Upstairs, appearing as Mata Hari at the Fringe, is sewn into her costume every night because it is so figure-hugging. The other night the woman who sews her in couldn't be found leaving Aletia trapped until she found a friend to unstitch her. As Aletia tells us: "The real Mata Hari was often released from her garments by military officers. Perhaps I should have gone to the Tattoo for help."
Same, but different
BAND names continued. Paul Sullivan recalls going to Glasgow's magical Maryland club to see the psychedelic rockers Mighty Baby, but they were not on. Says Paul: "The person on the door said they had been on the previous night. 'But,' I said, 'look at your advert. Friday - Mighty Baby, Saturday - Ditto'.
"'That's them playing', he answered. 'Who? Mighty Baby?' I asked.
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