THE NHS in Scotland gets a mention in the just published autobiography of comedian Paul Merton, of Have I Got News For You fame.

Paul recalls an early appearance at the Edinburgh Fringe when he broke his leg in a football match some of the comedians had organised. Taken to hospital in Edinburgh he was then told after being kept in for a few days that he had also contracted Hepatitis A.

Writes Paul: "'How have I managed that?' I asked the doctor. 'Well,' he said, 'between you and me, you've probably caught it from the hospital food'."

Paul replied that he didn't recall it being on the menu.

Bus pass pole dancers

WE asked for your free bus pass tales, and Anne Fleming tells us: "Recently the bus from Buchanan Street in Glasgow to Kirky was absolutely packed, standing room only, and nearly all pensioners. The bus stopped at several stops but each time no-one got off. Eventually the driver switched on his PA system and said in a Chic Murray accent: "Would ye stop pole dancing at the back of the bus, ye keep ringin' ma bell!"

An engaging response

FILM actor Benedict Cumberbatch has announced his engagement. "I was really disappointed that his girlfriend's name didn't begin with the letter Q," a reader tells us.

Gift is swiftly returned

SOMEHOW the school belt stories returned, and before they disappear again, John Smith in Dunblane recounts: "Early 1960s, High School of Stirling. Our maths teacher produced five belts from his desk and explained there was one for each year from first year to fifth. Fooled by this apparent bonhomie we made him another one from a leather trouser belt, just for fun. So taken was he by this gesture that he belted the entire class with it. The girls as usual got off scot-free."

Log on to get a signal

IAIN Macwhirter's Herald column about the lack of mobile phone coverage outside the cities in Scotland reminds author Meg Henderson: "I was visiting a friend outside Fort William. I couldn't get a signal on my phone and she advised, straight-faced, that the signal was only accessible if I stood on the logs outside. So I trooped out to the logs and found a pile eight feet high by four feet wide. So I just left it."

Bus stop is all talk

WE'RE not ones to do down the good citizens of Glasgow, but we kind of know what the chap meant when we heard a fellow walking down Renfield Street in the city centre tell someone on his mobile phone: "I'm just heading down to the Jeremy Kyle bus stop."

Shopping is no cakewalk

CHILDREN. Not always adorable. A reader was in a Glasgow supermarket when he heard a young lad pester his mum to buy him a cake. She told him no, as it would put him off his lunch. After asking two or three times, the lad eventually moved forward, snatched it up, took a bite out of the cake and told his mum: "You'll have to buy it now." She merely marched him out of the shop, so if you are wondering how a cake for sale has an obvious bite mark in it …

Penguin gag's a turkey

YES, the Christmas advertisements have begun with John Lewis going for a tear-jerking tale about penguins. As a reader comments: "After seeing the John Lewis advert I really want a penguin for Christmas. Will make a change from the usual turkey."