SCOTS broadcaster Paul Coia has come up with what he reckons is the best excuse he has received for a tradesman not getting in touch.
The upholsterer he had phoned and got no reply from, finally replied that he had lost his mobile phone until a customer got in touch to say that her sofa kept on ringing - the upholsterer had accidentally sewn his phone into one of the cushions. Any more strange excuses out there?
Meat market
GLASGOW-BORN actor Alex Norton has written his autobiography, There's Been A Life!, in which he explains that although he appeared as DCI Burke in the crime series Taggart, he was in fact a murdering butcher in one of the very first Taggart episodes. When filming Taggart outside a gay nightclub in Glasgow, a chap in the queue pointed at Alex and told his companion: "See that guy ower there? He wiz the butcher in Taggart."
The chap's more flamboyant pal gave Alex the once-over and declared: "Butcher? Christ, I've seen a lot butcher than him."
Whale tale a whopper
WE'VE always been fans of Chic Murray, and Alex explains in his autobiography that he was filming with Chic at Oban pier when a group of American tourists asked why the cameras were there.
Chic went into a lengthy explanation that a pair of young lovers had plunged into the water because of their families' disapproval, but all was not lost as they had been swallowed by a whale shark, and the local fishing fleet was hoping to catch it and see if they were still alive. The tourists were spellbound.
As Alex explains: "Chic's raison d'etre was why bore people with dull facts they'll instantly forget, when you can offer them a thrilling fiction they'll always remember?"
Silver service
A member of staff at a Glasgow college tells us an email was sent round with a picture of a college window, with a fork jammed between the frame and the window in order to keep it open for ventilation. Below the image staff were told: "This improvised window 'hold-open' device is both dangerous for staff/learners walking below this window, and unhygienic for those subsequently using the fork." Good to see management remaining vigilant.
The big easy
OUR story about former Rangers boss Jock Wallace reminds Andy Cameron: "When Jock was at Leicester City, Gary Lineker was a young player and after one of Jock's team talks in which he described how easy it would be to defeat the next opponents, he asked Jock's assistant Ian McFarlane, 'What's a skoosh case?'"
Dr No, surely?
IT'S usually tiresome when someone mimics actor Sean Connery's slight speech impediment, but we must admit it was put to good use when campaigners organised a protest at plans to go fracking for shale gas below Scotland's central belt. Their poster shows Sean as James Bond with the slogan "Scotland is not for shale."
Iron constitution
ARGENTINIAN musical duo The Cabeytu Brothers are playing Glasgow University's Queen Margaret Union next month. Tour promoter Barry McGirr emailed the brothers to see if they required any special food -perhaps empanadas, or carne asado. The reply was: "Is it possible yellow box of teacakes and two bottles Iron Broo please?" Barry wishes all requests from bands were that easy.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article