SCOTS broadcaster Paul Coia has come up with what he reckons is the best excuse he has received for a tradesman not getting in touch.

The upholsterer he had phoned and got no reply from, finally replied that he had lost his mobile phone until a customer got in touch to say that her sofa kept on ringing - the upholsterer had accidentally sewn his phone into one of the cushions. Any more strange excuses out there?

Meat market

GLASGOW-BORN actor Alex Norton has written his autobiography, There's Been A Life!, in which he explains that although he appeared as DCI Burke in the crime series Taggart, he was in fact a murdering butcher in one of the very first Taggart episodes. When filming Taggart outside a gay nightclub in Glasgow, a chap in the queue pointed at Alex and told his companion: "See that guy ower there? He wiz the butcher in Taggart."

The chap's more flamboyant pal gave Alex the once-over and declared: "Butcher? Christ, I've seen a lot butcher than him."

Whale tale a whopper

WE'VE always been fans of Chic Murray, and Alex explains in his autobiography that he was filming with Chic at Oban pier when a group of American tourists asked why the cameras were there.

Chic went into a lengthy explanation that a pair of young lovers had plunged into the water because of their families' disapproval, but all was not lost as they had been swallowed by a whale shark, and the local fishing fleet was hoping to catch it and see if they were still alive. The tourists were spellbound.

As Alex explains: "Chic's raison d'etre was why bore people with dull facts they'll instantly forget, when you can offer them a thrilling fiction they'll always remember?"

Silver service

A member of staff at a Glasgow college tells us an email was sent round with a picture of a college window, with a fork jammed between the frame and the window in order to keep it open for ventilation. Below the image staff were told: "This improvised window 'hold-open' device is both dangerous for staff/learners walking below this window, and unhygienic for those subsequently using the fork." Good to see management remaining vigilant.

The big easy

OUR story about former Rangers boss Jock Wallace reminds Andy Cameron: "When Jock was at Leicester City, Gary Lineker was a young player and after one of Jock's team talks in which he described how easy it would be to defeat the next opponents, he asked Jock's assistant Ian McFarlane, 'What's a skoosh case?'"

Dr No, surely?

IT'S usually tiresome when someone mimics actor Sean Connery's slight speech impediment, but we must admit it was put to good use when campaigners organised a protest at plans to go fracking for shale gas below Scotland's central belt. Their poster shows Sean as James Bond with the slogan "Scotland is not for shale."

Iron constitution

ARGENTINIAN musical duo The Cabeytu Brothers are playing Glasgow University's Queen Margaret Union next month. Tour promoter Barry McGirr emailed the brothers to see if they required any special food -perhaps empanadas, or carne asado. The reply was: "Is it possible yellow box of teacakes and two bottles Iron Broo please?" Barry wishes all requests from bands were that easy.