WE hear from Kilwinning in Ayrshire where a local lady has had to cancel her plans for a lavish 50th birthday party.
It was pointed out to her that having it just four months after her parents' equally lavish Golden Wedding anniversary celebrations might raise an eyebrow or two amongst the more arithmetically literate.
A READER tells us he was in a city centre newsagents when a wee wifey brought in a packet of batteries, and said she wanted to return them.
When the shopkeeper asked what was wrong with them she said they had only worked for a few weeks, yet it said on the side they would not expire until 2014.
Our reader quietly paid for his Mars Bar while the shopkeeper continued to explain to a puzzled woman what a best-before date actually meant.
WITH the council elections tomorrow, a reader tells us about once working on ceremonial robes for the local provost when her young daughter came in, saw the red material, and excitedly shouted: "Santa Claus!"
Our reader's husband just looked up and said: "When she's older she probably won't believe in councillors either."
JOHN Coyne tells us: "Microsoft has bought a $300m share in a company called Nook E-Books. I expect they will be on the top shelves in W H Smith or perhaps adult-only book shops."
AS residents in the south of England continue to struggle with difficult weather conditions, a reader in England phones us with the plaintive cry: "If there's a hosepipe ban, what can I use to drain the flood water out of my kitchen?"
Hit or miss?
AS the news was announced that ageing rockers Duran Duran are to headline an Olympic opening concert in London, one music lover commented: "That's even more worrying than the rooftop missiles they are installing."
ALEX Ferguson's Manchester United are not the most popular team in England. So after their defeat by Manchester City the other night toppled them from the top of the Premiership, one football fan gleefully e-mailed: "Don't worry United fans, there's always the Champions League, sorry, meant the Europa, nope, um the FA Cup, eh, the League Cup. So, how are the under-21s doing?"
TALKING of English football, a reader tells us his English colleagues in his Edinburgh office were discussing the appointment of Roy Hodgson as England manager. A number of them were not in favour of Roy taking over, arguing a more successful manager should have been given the job. Our reader couldn't stop himself from telling them: "I think it's a really good thing."
Then added: "But there again, I'm a Scotland fan."
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