COMEDIAN Ben Verth, who will be appearing at the Beehive Inn in Edinburgh's Grassmarket during this year's Fringe, lives in Edinburgh, so already the locals are giving him comic potential for his show.
Only the other day he was in a cheesemongers in Stockbridge when a posh elderly lady expressed dissatisfaction with the way the young assistant was cutting her cheese, and came out with the memorable line: "Look, are you new? Because I've never seen anyone so cavalier with cheddar."
OUT of the mouths of babes....a Dundee reader felt sorry for the father when he heard a young girl about five out shopping with her mum declare: "Does Daddy need socks?" "Yes," her mom replied. She then asked if he needed pants and again the answer was in the affirmative.
But then she asked: "Does he need a bra?" "No," said her shocked mum.
But the little girl persisted: "But he has boobs."
A READER on a bus into Glasgow heard a teenager tell his pal that he had been given a hard time by his boss at work. "He said my attention span wasn't very long," the young lad explained.
He then added: "I couldn't resist it. I said to him, 'Sorry, my attention what?'"
Hem and her
MATT Vallance was at the funeral of Maisie Bryan, an old teacher of his from Cumnock Academy, where a fellow retired teacher and former pupil, Myra Hessett, recalled being in the sixth year when Maisie was a teacher, and walking along the school corridor, discreetly running a hand round the hem of her skirt, fearing her slip was showing. Myra then heard Maisie's reprimand: "If your skirt was of a decent length you wouldn't have to worry about your slip showing."
E for error
CHILDREN'S misunderstandings continued. A reader writes to tell us: "My nephew's wife was somewhat perturbed when she asked her young son where his daddy was, and was informed that he was on the computer checking his females.
"She rushed through to the lounge to confront this problem, but was greatly relieved to find that he was actually checking his e-mails."
Out of the cup...
A NEWLANDS reader tells us his son, an assistant Scout leader, was organising a cake-making competition with the troop, and downloaded a recipe before going to the supermarket for the ingredients. After the Scout meeting he returned home with four litres of vegetable oil left over and declared the recipe was useless.
Further investigation showed that the recipe was missing a couple of forward slashes and what he thought was 113 cups of water and 13 cups of vegetable oil was in fact 1 1/3 cups of water and a mere 1/3 cup of oil.
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