• Text size      
  • Send this article to a friend
  • Print this article

Cracking slogan

TRADESMEN continued. Says Piero Pieraccini: "I was in Johnstone where I was behind a delivery lorry which had the legend, 'Gerry's Eggs, Need a Yolk? I'm your bloke'."

Time-honoured

AS CHRISTMAS parties get under way, a philosophical reader explains: "Do you realise that a woman's 'I'll be ready in five minutes' covers the same length of time as a man's 'I'll be home in five minutes'?

Barking mad?

LEADING Ayrshire coal merchant Andrew Gray in Kilmarnock tells us: "We receive very few customer complaints, but this one takes some beating.

Says Piero Pieraccini: "I was in Johnstone where I was behind a delivery lorry which had the legend, 'Gerry's Eggs, Need a Yolk? I'm your bloke'."

Time-honoured

AS CHRISTMAS parties get under way, a philosophical reader explains: "Do you realise that a woman's 'I'll be ready in five minutes' covers the same length of time as a man's 'I'll be home in five minutes'?

Barking mad?

LEADING Ayrshire coal merchant Andrew Gray in Kilmarnock tells us: "We receive very few customer complaints, but this one takes some beating.

"The customer phoned to thank us for the prompt delivery, but said he had paid the driver for eight bags and only received five. I said that our driver was very honest and would not short-deliver, and asked if he had checked the bunker.

"He said there was no need as his dog hated the coalman, and barked every time he went past the kitchen window. The dog had only barked five times."

Great expectations

A READER who bumped into a pal who has two sons congratulated him on the news that his wife was pregnant with their third child.

"Thank you," said the prospective father. "If it's a girl we're going to call her Isabella. If it's a boy we're going to call it quits."

Not blown away

A POSTSCRIPT to last week's storms with a reader telling us she texted her husband in Ayrshire to ask him where he was, and what the conditions were like. His return message was: "Ardrossan. Windswept, but still not interesting."

Becalmed

AND former East Ayrshire Council boss Bill Stafford was reminiscing about the Great Boxing Day Hurricane of 1999, when, as Emergency Planning Officer, he was out assessing damage in Kilmarnock town centre at 3am.

The hurricane had wrought a trail of damage, but the populace was coping well: Poundstretcher's window might have been lying in the street, but this had allowed a young couple to lie down inside the shop for some houghmagandie. But for Bill, the sight which convinced him the hurricane had had little effect on life in Kilmarnock was that of a young gentleman, rather the worse for drink, relieving himself through Woolworth's letterbox.

Show shock

A GLASGOW reader was attending The Rat Pack show at the Theatre Royal when there occurred a very loud bang, flashes and a confetti shower during the big show number New York, New York. The attractive woman next to him jumped at the suddent commotion, and declared: "That's enough to make you pee your knickers!"

When our reader looked a bit shocked she politely reassured him that she hadn't, but gestured towards her three female companions and added that she wouldn't be surprised if the others had.

Commenting & Moderation

We moderate all comments on HeraldScotland on either a pre-moderated or post-moderated basis.
If you're a relatively new user then your comments will be reviewed before publication and if we know you well and trust you then your comments will be subject to moderation only if other users or the moderators believe you've broken the rules

Moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours. Please be patient if your posts are not approved instantly.

76658