A READER hoped the girl was joking in Pollok yesterday when her friend suddenly nudged her and said: "Look at that dug with one eye!"
Her friend put her hand over one of her eyes and asked: "Why?"
All mod cons
ANOTHER teacher tells us why she is glad the summer holidays have begun. She asked her class recently to name something that you can't do without, but you can't see.
Expecting the answer "air", she asked a pupil with his hand up who told her: "Wi-fi."
What a racket
WITH more than two years to go before the referendum to determine the future of Scotland, David Cameron jokingly suggested to Alex Salmond a swift way to end the suspense.
Whitehall sources have said that when the two leaders met at Andy Murray's Wimbledon final the Prime Minister, in a jovial mood, looked the FM up and down and said: "Tell you what Alex, let's settle the independence question once and for all – over a game of tennis."
Mr Salmond smiled broadly but politely declined, telling Mr Cameron – whose weekend "chillaxing" is said to include a vigorous game of tennis – that he would rather rely on the good sense of the people of Scotland than a tennis racket.
Don't give up the day job
IRISH comedian Eddie Naessens, who is bringing his new show The Thing is This ... to the Edinburgh Fringe, says he can't get his head round the fact that so many Irish folk travel to Edinburgh for the festival. Last year he told his audience about the awful woman who did his mum's hair when he was young who also poured scorn on his ambition to be a singer.
After describing her in disparaging terms to the audience because of her constant negativity he was approached afterwards by the actual woman who had come over to see the Tattoo.
After introducing herself she merely told him: "You should have stuck with singing."
A load of rubbish
A REGULAR in an Ayrshire pub tells us there was surprise when one of the topers announced he was taking his wife to the pictures, as no-one in the pub could recall him ever accompanying his wife on such an occasion.
When they asked him what prompted this he replied: "She told me that I took the bins out more often than her. And I couldn't argue with her logic."
THE new Archbishop of Glasgow, Philip Tartaglia, unveiled to the press yesterday, asked if he could have his photograph taken with his brother Gerry, a fellow priest. As the brothers stood together, a photographer asked them to get closer and look into one another's eyes.
"Hold on a second guys, we're not even married," said Gerry, who had just heard the new archbishop's views on same-sex marriage being expressed.
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