Sing along ...

Diary Editor

Tuesday 17 January 2012

OUR mention of school acronyms reminds Scott Macintosh: "My wife attended a conference during the education initiative 'Determined to Succeed' when she described herself as 'Enterprise in Education in West Dunbartonshire'.

Custom byline text:

Ken Smith

Other delegates did likewise, until the delegate who referred to herself as 'Old MacDonald'. She was in fact 'Enterprise In Education In Orkney'" (EIEIO).

Early release

AFTER we asked for oddities thrown up by possible independence, reader John Ewing sends us this spoof news story: "David Cameron today announced that Scotland is to be released from Britain on the grounds of ill-health. Legal advisers for the country, which was sentenced to be part of Great Britain in 1707, had been seeking a parole hearing in 2014, but a decision has now been made to release it with immediate effect following medical reports that its condition is terminal.

"'We've looked at all the evidence and concluded that Scotland is in a state of permanent decline and won't recover,' confirmed Mr Cameron."Test of faithWE close the door on our Jehovah's Witnesses stories with Hugh Murray in Helensburgh, who says: "I don't know whether it's a claim to fame or an admission of severe embarrassment, but I answered the door to a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses. After about 45 minutes of reasoned debate, one said, 'I'm sorry but you'll have to excuse us, we have to go'."Tricky manoeuvre"THE wife was doing a crossword and asked what the word was common to both Khyber and overtaking manoeuvre," said the chap in the pub the other night."I said, 'Pass,' and she said, 'It's OK, I'll ask someone else then'."Signs of changeAYRSHIRE has always been infamous for its fierce inter-village rivalries, particularly in those with junior football teams. So our man in Ayrshire is able to boast: "There are signs that Scotland is becoming a more tolerant, understanding and diverse country. For the last week a notice has been on the community notice board in Tesco's Auchinleck store, seeking players for Cumnock Juniors Youth Football Club. How has the notice board lasted so long?" An eye for detailFRANK McGeogh in Aberdeen is fed up with the grandweans constantly asking him when he's going to get an iPhone, or an iPad or an iPod. So he went into Union Square, but by-passed the Apple store, and instead went into Boots, and is now going to show the weans on his birthday the eye-patch he bought.Pension planOUR tales of retirement sitting heavy with some folk brought forth the maxim from a number of female readers: "Retirement. Twice as much husband on half as much money."Fitness fanatic"I'VE done 50 press-ups," the old fella in the changing room at Green's gym proudly announced to his pals the other morning."Mind you," he added. "I did start doing them in November."

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Sing along ...

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