Skirting the issue

Diary Editor

Wednesday 20 June 2012

THE problems with being a Scot down south.

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Ken Smith

Chris Tomsett in London, who wanted his kilt dry cleaned after attending a wedding, tells us: "I wasn't sure if the local dry cleaners would know how to tackle it, so I popped round the corner and asked hopefully, 'Can you clean kilts?'

"I was momentarily confused with the reply, 'Course mate – double, queen or king size?'"Dark artsOUR Fringe reminiscences remind Keith McClory in Houston of visiting the Edinburgh Festival last year and seeking out the toilets in the bowels of the C Venue in Chambers Street. Says Keith: "As I entered, I was slightly startled by a Roman soldier preening himself and adjusting his tunic. "It being somewhat dark and dingy, it afforded me to quip, 'Ah, a Roman in the gloaming'. "But as he was English, my witticism fell on stony ground." A star is bornTALKING of Edinburgh, it was sad to hear of the death of Welsh actor and storyteller Victor Spinetti, who appeared in the Beatles film A Hard Day's Night. We remember Victor telling a Fringe audience in Edinburgh that one of their favourite sons, Sean Connery, was only able to appear in the James Bond movies because Disney had released him from his contract because they thought he was gay. He wasn't of course, but the experience perhaps made Sean the star he is.Money mattersTHE plight of Rangers Football Club is never far from the minds of our readers. David Macleod in Lenzie tells us: "Apparently Greece has liquidated itself, and will reform as new country 'The Greece', in order to get out of paying its debts."Lost and foundSENIOR moments continued. A Newton Mearns reader was following an older neighbour into their block of flats and noticed the chap had taken two bags of shopping out of the boot of his car. In order to carry them in each hand, he had his keys between his teeth. Arriving at the door of the flats, he put down the bags and began searching his pockets for his keys. Our reader opened the door and gestured to his neighbour's mouth as he continued to frantically go through his pockets.Game plan"I've been on the go since first thing this morning," said the chap meeting his mates in a Glasgow pub. He added: "I really am a terrible Monopoly player."Soaring successPRIVATE Eye's cartoonist and creator of EJ Thribb Barry Fantoni has brought out a detective novel about a Jewish detective in his 80s living in Florida entitled Harry Lipkin PI. An Edinburgh publisher tells us the curious fact that Barry, when he is asked for his autograph, signs with the name Paul McCartney.So we wonder, if you ever bump in to Barry, what would be more advantageous – to ask him to sign a copy of his book, or take along an old Wings albums for him to sign instead?

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