AN AYRSHIRE reader tells us he came out of his local supermarket to see a woman unable to control her full trolley on a slight slope when it ran away from her and crashed into the back of his car.
He quickened his pace and shouted over to her: "Any damage?"
"Maybe a couple of eggs cracked," she told him.
Law and order
AS the first of the summer holidaymakers return from foreign climes, we hear their stories. A Bearsden reader who visited Los Angeles noticed a comely young woman with strikingly long legs wearing a T-shirt with LAPD on the front. Our reader was still wondering if she could possibly be a member of the local police force when she walked past and he noticed on the back of the shirt were the letters ANCE.
WE asked for your tales about protecting workplace provisions, and Jim Thomson in Bothwell recounts: "I have an elderly acquaintance who took up residence in a retirement home. He kept a bottle of nice malt in his locker for a daily dram. He suspected the contents were going down by more than he was taking, so he half-filled a bottle with some cold tea and a dash of his own body fluid.
"That solved the problem of disappearing drams."
A BORDERS businessman tells us his secretary, who was pregnant, was going for a scan, as there was the possibility of twins. When she returned to work he asked how the scan had gone.
"Fine, jist the yin," she replied.
"And the sex?" he asked, knowing that she was keen on a daughter.
"Oh aye, he says ah can do it fur a bit yet," came her unexpected answer.
FORMER police officer Alfie Moore's Edinburgh Fringe show this year, I Predicted A Riot, takes a comic look at life behind a riot shield. He tells us: "As part of a routine about iconic protesters I include as an example the famous Buddhist monk who used self-immolation to make his point. I did this in Bath and as I stood at the door shaking the hands of audience members and thanking them for coming I suddenly saw a Buddhist monk in full saffron robes.
"I was completely thrown and had no idea what to say and ended up blurting out, 'Sorry about the burning monk gag'. He gave me a forgiving smile and disappeared into the night."
Chip off the old block
CATCHING the train into Glasgow this week, a Clydebank reader was drawn to a conversation between two teenagers when one announced: "Chips are good for you."
An unusual health suggestion which was challenged by her pal who declared: "They're fried."
This was trumped by the first girl who argued: "Not if you put them in the oven."
DO we believe the chap in the Glasgow pub who said he got pulled over by traffic cops who told him it was stupid of him to drive so fast when it was teeming down. He claims he replied: "Who's stupid? I'm dry in my car. You're the one standing in the rain."
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