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Sophie funny

BUSINESS Secretary Vince Cable visited defence firm Thales in Govan yesterday where he tried out the latest target locator for British troops that Thales makes, the Sophie Lite.

We like to think that Vince, a former Glasgow councillor, picked it up and asked what it was called. "Sophie Lite," he was told.

"Yes, I know - but what's it called?"

The latest flame

NOT everyone likes smokers, it has to be said. A Lanarkshire reader at a New Year party tells us that a young chap there kissed a girl at midnight who told him, with a certain look of disgust: "Yuck. You smoke? It's like kissing an ashtray."

The chap tried to preserve his dignity by telling her: "That's some strange hobby you've got."

Sure looks good

SOME folk can be so cutting. A reader in Glasgow's Buchanan Street saw two young girls watch a chap walk past who was wearing a turtle neck jumper. Very smart he looked too. It was probably a Christmas present. However, that didn't stop one of the girls telling her pal: "Did you see that bald guy in that jumper? He looked like a roll-on deodorant."

Hard chips

RUGBY side Glasgow Warriors will be travelling to Dublin soon to play Leinster in the league. Damien Cullen in Dublin tells us he was queuing at the burger van at a previous Leinster match behind a chap purchasing a portion of chips. Says Damien: "When the cook handed the server the chips, she turned round and said to the cook, 'It's a recession we're in, not a famine - will ya put a few more chips on there for him? Everyone in the queue cracked up."

Ex rated advice

A READER points out to us an online article from a swish women's magazine which was extolling the joys of the top 10 gifts for Valentine's Day - yes, it's not that far away.

However, underneath in the comments section someone had added: "This year take the stress out of Valentine's Day shopping. Dump him in January."

Inter-relations

OUR story about the groom getting his marriage vows mixed up reminds a Troon reader: "The late great Dave Allen told about being at his first burial as a child and hearing the priest give the final blessing. He was well into his teens before realising the words were not 'The Father, the Son and into hole he goes'."

Hamming it up

OUR expert on English football phones to tell us: "I thought that was very brave of German midfielder Thomas Hitzlsperger to come out and openly admit that he, em, that he once played for West Ham."

Ice breaker

THE chap in the Glasgow pub last night told his fellow topers: "Did you see that it was so cold in Northern America that the town of Hell froze over?"

"I'm away home then," announced one of his pals. "You'll never guess what the wife promised me if that ever happened."

Baby blues

BABY clothes chain Mothercare saw its share price plummet after announcing that its sales were down over Christmas. A Newton Mearns reader tells us he was speaking to a normally very serious stockbroker who told him: "If Mothercare was a real mother, social services would have stepped in by now."

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