AN adventurous company in Stoer takes people on llama treks on the spectacular Stoerhead peninsula.
Martin Morrison saw their van the other day. On the side it said Lochinver Llama Treks, plus a phone number. He was sorely tempted to ring up and ask if they offered spiritual guidance as well. Yes. It's Dial a llama.
NICKNAMES: A Strathclyde firefighter who shall remain nameless tells us about a watch commander (ditto) nicknamed Chernobyl because he causes a fall-out wherever he goes.
Stuart Macpherson remembers a colleague from his whisky bond days who was known as Kettles because he was always steaming.
Allan Cook relates a business deal with a Swiss company that entailed meetings with accountants. A Glasgow accountant noticed that two Swiss bore an uncanny resemblance to certain characters in 'Allo 'Allo. "We've all remained good friends ever since," says Allan, "but those lovely Swiss guys have never been called anything other than Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen."
THE Practical Magic Theatre Company is staging a version of 'Allo 'Allo at the Fringe. One prop, an inflatable rubber doll disguised as Hitler, was stored during rehearsals in the car boot of the company's director. When the car had a puncture, he took it to his local garage for repairs, and went for a cuppa while they did their work.
His phone rings. It's the garage receptionist. "Where do you keep your locking nut for the alloy wheels?" she asks warily. "In the boot," he replies. "It's just – we don't like to go through your personal stuff," she says.
It dawns on him that his personal stuff is now strewn on the garage floor, being stared at by men in overalls. In the background he could hear them guffawing. He will not be using that garage again. Ever.
THIS from Dougie McNicol: A friend on a visit to his son and daughter-in-law asked if they had a newspaper. "Dad," scoffed the son, "this is the 21st century. We don't do newspapers. Use my iPad."
"Say what you like about new technology," the friend later told Dougie. "That fly never knew what hit it!"
SOME people seem to think the BBC subtitling is one of the highlights of the Beeb's Olympic coverage. Iain Mills, watching TV last Saturday night, thinks it's the handiwork of a berserk voice recognition device. During the long jump it twice mentioned "Greg's brother Fred", which baffled Iain until he realised it meant Greg Rutherford. "Things got worse – or better – during Mo Farah's race. When there was a bit of jostling in the pack it reported 'brewing around the stadium' and 'pushing and shopping'. At one point things even got 'a bit Nessie' (complete with capital N)."
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