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Stir it up

WE hear of a Glasgow office where the boss was organising a large conference, and sent a member of staff to buy a bundle of the little plastic sticks for folk to stir the cups of coffee they would be offered.

Arriving in a supermarket the chap asked a member of staff: "I'm looking for these things for stirring coffee, but I don't know what they're called."

The staff member looked at him curiously, then slowly said: "Teaspoons."

Such sweet memories

FOR women not interested in the European Champions League final on Saturday night, there was former Socialist MSP Rosie Kane – the one who was sworn in with writing on her hand – doing a charity performance at the Tron Theatre. We liked her description of her Glasgow roots: "We were a large family - like the Osmonds, but with fillings."

Stripping yarns

TALKING of the Champions League, many viewers were surprised when suspended Chelsea captain and alleged womaniser John Terry quickly changed after they won the trophy and took to the field in a Chelsea strip despite not kicking a ball. As one viewer put it: "John Terry's not got his kit on that fast since he heard Wayne Bridge coming home."

A loser's lament

MEANWHILE Hearts were celebrating their Scottish Cup win over rivals Hibs, who have not won the trophy for more than 100 years. While Hearts fans were singing the well-known anthem: "When the Hearts go up/ To lift the Scottish Cup/ We'll be there," a despondent Hibee from Tranent was posting on a website: "When the Hibs go up/ To lift the Scottish Cup/ I'll be deid/ I'll be deid."

An eye for the lady

GLASS eye stories still occupy readers. Greta Penrice in Milngavie recalls Bella, a maiden aunt who had a glass eye which fascinated Greta. Eventually she asked a cousin why Bella had a glass eye and the cousin replied she was born like that. For years Greta imagined an infant born with a glass eye, which troubled her considerably.

It's a cruel world

WHATEVER happened to The Diary's occasionally disparaging view of Kilwinning, a reader asks. Well, we hear excitement is growing about the Olympic torch being relayed through Ayrshire to Glasgow next month. However, an Ayrshire contact tells us: "The route avoids Kilwinning. The organisers didn't want to risk the torch bearer being accused of witchcraft by astonished locals."

Swede little mystery

A JORDANHILL reader was watching her husband make heavy weather of erecting Ikea furniture when she found the instructions and handed them to him, suggesting it would help if he read the leaflet. Gathering his dignity, he replied: "That's their opinion. I'm equally entitled to mine."

An open goal

NOT everyone in Liverpool is sad at the departure of Kenny Dalglish from Anfield. An Everton fan tells us: "Liverpool have appointed Ken Dodd as their new manager so they don't have to change the initials on the manager's tracksuit. It will also mean folk won't laugh at them so much."

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