A BIG bear of a chap was seen at Ninewells Hospital in Dundee delighted with the birth of his son the other day.
As he held the little one up he noticed that the baby had an identification bracelet firmly attached to its ankle.
"Just like daddy!" beamed the big fella as he raised his trouser leg to show off his own electronic anklet, put there by the courts to limit his time away from home.
THE demolition of the Red Road flats in Glasgow reminds Maggie Wood in Australia: "It wasn't a bad place to live. My mum was in a wheelchair and did her windae hingin' electronically – the concierge camera in the foyer could be accessed via a channel on your telly. Weekend nights were a bit x-rated when amorous lovers didn't realise the glass-fronted foyer didn't offer the same privacy as a back close."
FINDING accommodation is always a stressful topic for acts appearing at the Edinburgh Fringe. Welsh comic Dan Mitchell, appearing this year at the Assembly Roxy, had a mix-up in arrangements in Edinburgh one year and had to spend the night on a park bench. Says Dan: "It didn't rain, and I slept well, but the best bit was when I awoke to find a Rustlers microwaveable burger by my head. My only problem was, if they thought I was homeless, where was I going to get a microwave?"
DAVID Cameron leaving his eight-year-old daughter in the pub by mistake is a big topic of conversation. "You don't see many kids in Scottish pubs," said one observer. "Ever since the smoking ban was introduced."
AH, the pub banter. A Glasgow chap arrived in his local, took out his smartphone and showed his pals a photo of his new girlfriend while observing: "She's beautiful isn't she?" "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend," replied one of the chaps.
"Why? Is she a stunner?" he replied. "No, she's an optician," came the droll reply.
FORMER banker Cameron McPhail – he left after falling out with Fred Goodwin – has written a book, The Scottish Nationality Test, which determines in quiz form how Scottish you are. It asks which statement doesn't reflect the attitude of the average Scottish male, and lists i) To control the TV remote is to control the world, ii) Dirty dishes migrate automatically to the dishwasher, iii) Toilet rolls grow naturally on their holders, iv) An empty milk carton goes back into the fridge and not the bin.
The correct answer being iv "As the average Scottish male could never be associated with milk."
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ACTOR Alan Cumming, presenting the Critics' Awards for Theatre in Scotland, is appearing in Macbeth at the Tramway in Glasgow, more 20 years since he first appeared in the play. "Since then," he said, "things have changed a lot in Scotland. Then there was no National Theatre, and there were no critics' awards ortrams in Edinburgh.
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